If you read my last post then you know that yesterday I wanted to end my life. And by “wanted to” I really mean, I was standing on the precipice looking death in the eyes. But, I turned my back on that bastard at the last minute. Told him, “not today, death, not today.” Truth be known, this wasn’t so much a conscious decision, as much as this little voice in my head said, “stop, you don’t really want to do this.”
Today, after spending most of the day in my PJs reading and watching Gilmore Girls I decided to have dinner with a friend, an active choice to not isolate. We went for Chinese food which, as you must know, means fortune cookies. The best damn part of the Chinese food experience, even if the cookie itself is like sweetened cardboard. That is not the point. One does not acquire fortune cookies for the cookie.
The point is the tiny slip of mass-produced paper stuffed inside the cardboard passing itself off as cookie. The point for me on this day, however, was a little different. You know, since yesterday I was ready to not even have a fortune at all.
Today, by some strange stroke of luck… or some unusual universal coincidence I got two fortunes. And I don’t mean that the girl gave me two cookies in two separate wrappers. No, she gave me two cookies accidentally wrapped in the same bit of plastic. She was freaking excited about this. I couldn’t help but mirror her excitement.
My first thought is probably something along the lines of “sweet!” Because I’m a little basic, as the kids say. But then, of course, I read more into this cookie mishap. I think, “Maybe I was meant to kill myself but because I didn’t now I’m living the previous life and the life I was never meant to have.” Obviously I don’t actually believe this is true. Nevertheless, it’s fun to speculate. And, you’ve got to admit, it’s a pretty cool coincidence. Plus, one of my favorite books posits a compatible theory. In Jeanette Winterson’s The Oranges are not the Only Fruit the narrating character (actually Jeanette) says,
“I have a theory that every time you make an important choice, the part of you left behind continues the other life you could have had.”
So, who knows. Maybe Jeanette was onto something. And maybe we are all living multiple lives on multiple planes of existence and maybe somehow two of mine have converged. Stranger things have happened, I’m sure.
Or, maybe this is just a coincidence. A coincidence which, as fate would have it, gets even stranger. The two fortunes read:
Okay, okay, I get that these are purposefully broad and applicable to all people. I understand the “science” behind fortune cookie fortunes. Really, I do, I promise. But, come on! You can’t tell me that those fortunes are not absolutely perfect for someone who literally the day before was moments away from suicide. And, I shall also say, for someone who probably shouldn’t even be alive in the first place (maybe that will be another blog, long stories short I’ve had many close encounters with death).
Maybe it is just faulty equipment and maybe it was just a fluke that I was the person to get the double fortune. Or, maybe I have finally lost it. But, I’ve got to say, I don’t really believe in coincidence. And I’ve always thought I’ve had a pretty decent connection with the universe or God or whatever /whoever you think is pulling the strings.
Sign or not: I’m choosing to accept these fortunes as truth.