The Letter(s) My Therapist Probably Never Read:

For those who have been commenting lately on my therapy drama, this may add some perspective on my side and what I have been trying to bring to therapy, in some cases unsuccessfully. These are the two emails I sent to my therapist post-rupture when she first took away outside contact. She has implied I have become aggressive and she has currently moved our therapy toward working on my boundaries but, honestly, I feel like I’ve expressed myself pretty assertively and stated my needs really clearly. Maybe they’re unrealistic needs, I don’t know. The letters are long and I repeat myself often because I haven’t been feeling heard. I do get wordy, so I bolded the important parts for skimability.

Letter 1:

I’m writing this now in case I lose my nerve when I’m in front of you. I feel like you abused my trust. It isn’t going to be easy for us to move past this, rather, for me to move past it. I don’t see how I can count on you to mean what you say, if what you say can change at any moment. I feel like you should have known that stability and consistency were important for me. I know I haven’t talked about any of the things I’ve been through but you have the stupid intake paperwork. You know it’s a lot, like “yes” to everything. Because I stupidly keep putting myself in situations that lead to the same kinds of hurt and I’m afraid that I’m doing that with you now. I think if we are to move past this then I need you to be just as willing to accept the possibility that alternatives are true. I think that is the only way I will be able to come around to keeping my mind open that you actually care. You want me to always accept that maybe the evidence I see means something else, to accept that maybe my perception isn’t absolute truth, so then I need that from you, too.

I need you to be open to the possibility that maybe this is the wrong decision, that maybe you can’t completely standardize communication when it comes to the mental health field because according to the ACA’s code of ethics, “Counselors [must] communicate information in ways that are both developmentally and culturally appropriate.” Texting is a part of culture, maybe that seems like a stretch to you, but if culture effects the ways in which people communicate then… doesn’t that mean that technology is a part of culture? Not to mention that texting offers a means for me to step outside myself when I am feeling triggered and needing to cut. It helps me to get in touch with the part of myself that’s able to say, “wait, maybe this isn’t what I want.” And it helps to have you remind me of the alternatives we’ve talked about. Except you haven’t done that in a while anyway. It’s just none of it feels fair or right. We aren’t moving at my pace. We aren’t working with my needs. How is this a joint operation?

And, back to the notion of standardized care, how is that judicious, making changes across the board? Isn’t it about “Treating equals equally and unequals unequally but in proportion to their relevant differences.” Shouldn’t that mean meeting each of us where we are at in the process and in our lives? You wouldn’t treat someone with ADHD and an otherwise privileged (in the well adapted, had needs met way) life the same way you would treat someone with Complex PTSD and an entire life of trauma, would you?

Can you be open to the idea that maybe setting up the precedence for that outside support and then taking it away was cruel and emotionally negligent? It wouldn’t have been so bad if you started out by not allowing texts, if I had never had the opportunity to express need in that way, but you kept telling me you’re glad I texted, that you’re glad I reached out, that reaching out is a big step in the right direction, etc. You knew how much trouble I had accepting that as okay. You knew that I was afraid of overstepping boundaries and having you withdraw because of it. I told you, over and over. My life has been riddled with caretakers and partners offering warmth or support in one moment and then taking it away the next. I thought this was the one place that I could count on those things not being taken away. You knew my pain could possibly be made worse by having been encouraged to express needs, by having been told that reaching out is part of the process, by being reassured of the safety in what I was doing, only to have it revoked. And yet, you persist. How am I supposed to accept that as evidence of care? You insist on this change which I feel denies me the autonomy of participating in the choice of how we communicate. I know that we were working toward getting away from electronic communication and I do know that you cutting me off from that forces me to talk in session if I want to accomplish anything but it still feels wrong. Regardless of truth, I feel like this is because of my actions. I feel like I was bad and therefore, something good was taken away.

I need you to be open to how punitive that feels. How personal. And not personal in the “it affects me” way. I mean personal in the, “maybe she is resentful because I took when she offered and that interfered in her personal life, in her self-care time.” Personal in the “my needs, having them and expressing them, landed me in this position again” kind of way. Maybe we haven’t talked a lot about this issue, this feeling I have that whenever I was a disappointment or I was bad love would be taken away. I’d get the silent treatment. I’d get letters asserting new boundaries, boundaries I just had to accept because I was the child. I guess if I never told you, then you couldn’t know that all of that would just amplify the awfulness of this change. But, still, I think it is fair for me to expect that my therapist be consistent, that her boundaries not change on a whim. I mean even that is in one of the codes of ethics. It says, “a licensee shall set and maintain professional boundaries.” MAINTAIN being the operative word, “cause or enable to continue.” You set boundaries and then you failed to maintain them, you changed them, you discontinued the service. You can say that you didn’t actually discontinue it because it’s still available but how is someone like me supposed to see that as a realistically affordable option? Now that the savings has been depleted I’ll be lucky to have 5% to 10% of my monthly income left for me to use after therapy is budgeted for and after bills are paid (if we keep going at the rate we are, that’s without factoring in any outside contact at an additional cost to me).

I just can’t wrap my head around how, in this change, the potential benefit outweighs the harm it has caused. In many ways, I feel like I am worse off now than I was when I first came to see you. And, I was doing well. I was taking healthy risks, meeting new people, expanding my social circle, going longer without cutting. It wasn’t like the outside communication was a detriment to my progress. It maybe was just a detriment to your social life. This change feels self-serving. Most of what I have read regarding texting in therapeutic relationships goes something like this, “I see my job as forming an alliance with [clients]” and those therapists see texting as part of that alliance because it is what the client needs in that moment; they acknowledge that texting is how the client best communicates at that point in the process. Given that, this change doesn’t feel like you had the needs of your clients in mind, or at least you definitely put mine secondary to your own.

On that note, it feels like you did this because you needed more time or money for your social relationships, for your travel, for your self-care. It feels like you made a boundary before that you personally couldn’t keep, so you’re hiding behind ethics in order to have your needs met now, in order to justify the harm you knowingly caused. That isn’t ethical. In fact, the code of ethics says, “A licensee shall not engage in activities for the licensee’s personal gain at the expense of a client.” Doing something which you know will trigger a client, causing them immense pain, probably causing them to harm themselves, is not ethical, especially when it appears that it is done so for monetary or personal gain (hide behind the safety of the ethical, professional relationship all you like but the ethics haven’t changed on that in many years). This move for monetary gain and tighter boundaries is most especially not ethical based on a model that encourages beneficence (be proactive, prevent harm where possible), non-maleficence (do no harm), and fidelity (taking care not to threaten the therapeutic relationship, being loyal, faithful, and consistent). You’ve taken advantage of the inherent power differential of the therapeutic relationship. If you needed more control in your life, then you should have found it elsewhere.

I can’t help but wonder if any of this has to do with the times you’ve come frustrated or
annoyed to my sessions, or the time you were clearly disgruntled during our most recent phone session (while you were in California). Or, if it has something to do with what caused your suddenly changed plans. Some part of me says that maybe my persistent need contributed to part of that, at least the California part, and that maybe I really am suffering the consequences of that fallout (whether permanent or temporary). What I know is that you opened yourself up to availability during your vacation even though it seemed to have caused problems. I was grateful, of course. I accepted your openness and availability at the time because I needed it and you offered. But, that blinded me to the fact that maybe that wasn’t right. Maybe we both should have had more respect for your time away. Maybe I should have had more respect for your need for time to disconnect from clients in general. Because, to me, it feels like something happened which has maybe left you feeling less in control of your personal life.  I would guess that this might not be something you’ve really given any thought. And, anyway, you often discredit my inner detective. Sometimes the detective does good work though. It’s hard to know when she is or isn’t right; she makes a convincing argument.

Regardless, I think you genuinely think you are doing this to “enhance treatment services” for your clients. Except that motivation seems to deny the fact that this isn’t the only change you’ve made recently in terms of separating personal from professional, exerting control where you know you have it, consequences be damned. More hiding behind ethics. Speaking of which, one thing I never did bring up, if we are hiding behind ethics, what are the “corresponding ethical guidelines regarding contact outside of sessions?” Where does it say that a professional relationship requires the counselor to charge clients for outside communication? Where does it say that a professional relationship does not allow for outside contact? The therapeutic frame exists as it has been co-created. And, as we co-created it, that included outside contact. Now, you want to change the frame saying that it aligns with “continued updates from the State Board of Examiners”? How is that a justifiable reason? You included the 2011 code of ethics. The code changed most recently in July of 2017 (I just finished my ethics class in December). And, when comparing the two codes, there were no changes in codes involving the professional relationship or communication outside of sessions or regarding the use of technology. In fact, reference to the use of technology in the counseling relationship says, “Technological means of communication may be used to facilitate the therapeutic counseling process.” I would interpret that as sanctioning the use of technology (i.e. texting or email). Of course, with the proper attention paid to confidentiality. But, we have already discussed the risks involved with that. So, again, it seems to me that ethics isn’t on your side. The detective still feels like this is personal.

I mean, maybe it just boils down to my having to accept that when using the model for
ethical decision making, you and I just have come to different conclusions. I will admit that, given I am the “case study” being analyzed, I can’t be objective. My feelings are undeniably hurt. But, I’ve sure got a heap of knowledge in this brain that makes a damn good case for the part of me that fears trust. For instance, according to Van Hoose and Paradise in Ethics in counseling and psychotherapy, a counselor “is probably acting in an ethically responsible way concerning a client if (1) he or she has maintained personal and professional honesty, coupled with (2) the best interests of the client, (3) without malice or personal gain, and (4) can justify his or her actions as the best judgment of what should be done based upon the current state of the profession.” Given that, can you say with certainty that you put my best interests at the forefront of this decision? Can you say that your need for personal gain (whether monetary or social) is not outweighing my need for consistency and a certain medium of communication? Why not just saying, “we can only text between this time and this time and only when you have this need or that need”? Setting those guidelines and boundaries would also have protected the professional nature of the relationship, wouldn’t they? And, in regard to your need for compensation (which further proves this is a personally driven decision), you could have just made your session fee even greater for those clients who intend to use outside technological services (i.e. 135 for clients who do not use text/email and 170 for clients who do intend to use these services). Yes, it comes with an additional monetary fee but it wouldn’t have felt like something that was going to grow astronomically out of control. It would have felt more manageable.

I get that while texting might feel intrusive for you, it helps me to feel more secure. Taking it away has just made me feel even needier and clingier (not sure what part of me gets to decide that impulse, ugh). I know I always tried to be mindful of when I sent texts though. I never sent them at unreasonable times. I realized quickly that if I was suicidal you weren’t the person to reach out to, that you would just tell me to call 911 or a hotline, so I respected that boundary (even though that meant that if I ever found myself in that place again I was just going to kill myself and not try to reach out to anyone). I made sure that I waited patiently for you to respond and didn’t get anxious or act on anxiety before a response came. I never sent multiple texts in rapid succession. I never tried to demand a response. Whenever you told me you wouldn’t have your phone or wouldn’t be able to respond, I respected that and stopped texting immediately after. I thought I was being respectful of your boundaries. I feel like if you felt like you were getting the respect you needed then your boundaries wouldn’t have had to change. I feel like you should have talked to me about this before the change occurred. 

It isn’t so much that your boundaries changed, it is how they changed, that they changed in what feels like a huge way. I’d say that it also felt like it was all of the sudden but that
wouldn’t be the truth. I saw this coming. You alluded to it that weekend session after one of our other misunderstandings or ruptures. I journaled about it. I’ve journaled about a lot of this. The detective, as you say, was onto some things. I was insightful despite feeling like I was encouraged to question my insights. But, they proved true in this case. I’m just lost and heartbroken now because I feel like we’re at an impasse. How can I trust that this is a secure, professional relationship when you just change things on a whim? You introduced an unnecessary kind of unpredictability into this relationship. That is the last thing I need. I had that my entire life. I don’t expect for things to never change just that when they are going to change, I am asked how that is going to feel beforehand. That maybe I’m treated like a human being who might have feelings and opinions about a change that is going to significantly impact a part of my life.

Letter 2 (she straight up said, she didn’t even skim this one. Again, bolded for skimibility):

I’ll read this out loud Monday if you want but I think it would actually be better for you to read it before you see me so that you have some time to process any thoughts and emotions. It’s a lot, I know. I’d expect a charge if you do read it ahead of time (but don’t ambush me with one, please) and I’m okay with that as long as I know what’s being charged. I don’t expect a response though, I just have the hope that it will be read. As for the content…
Despite the Professional nature of this “relationship”, I care about you as a person and what I’m about to say comes from that place of caring, not a place of analysis or judgement. And, also, maybe it comes from a place of self-compassion, too, because I need someone who has it together to be on this journey with me. I know not everyone has it together all the time and that’s okay; it’s actually kind of beautiful. But, part of being a therapist is being fit to practice and lately I’ve started to wonder if maybe you aren’t quite as fit as you lead others and yourself to believe. 
I’m okay with messy, seriously. I love it. Be beautifully messy. But, please, if you don’t have it together enough to be a witness to my pain, as you say, then seek help. Because I want to trust you. I want to be able to share my journey with you. I think I can grow and something great could come from this growth and I want you to be a part of that. But, only if you are taking care of yourself properly first.
I know as the client I’m not supposed to be responsible for your feelings; however, it hasn’t felt like you’ve been able to contain them on your own for a while now. For me, that means I do have to help you contain them or my needs won’t have space to be met. That was my role in relationships growing up: meet their needs so I can be seen/heard. I find we are doing that here, too, just perhaps not as explicitly.
I appreciate that you model expression of emotion (bc often I don’t have any clue how to tell what I’m feeling and your modeling helps), but where is the boundary on that self-disclosure?  I know that you’ve felt anger, frustration, confusion, annoyance with your clients since the California thing and I’d like to believe that’s not something you felt with us before. All of these things are things I know because you’ve told me. While I do feel I gain something from knowing, I am not certain it is always a healthy something. Sometimes I think you share because you need someone, despite likely having a great support system, to be a witness to your pain in the moment. As a caretaker, I’m always happy to oblige, but I think we both know there is potential for an unhealthy dynamic to arise from that.
To be fair, while in the therapy room I do feel like you’re present for the most part, aside from the near constant buzzing of your phone (and mine, if we are honest) being a distraction for us both. But, at the same time, I feel you are distant. I feel you there but I also feel the cold, detached feeling I felt when I first started working with you in Seprember. At that point, I took the responsibility for that feeling because I knew I pushed people away. That’s what I thought that feeling was. But, for a while, I wasn’t pushing you away. I was letting you close and maybe that was only in text and email, and maybe that wasn’t convenient for you or your relationship anymore… But it was something for me.
 You truly were, selflessly giving me what I needed in those moments. You were letting me have and explore my own needs in a way I never had the chance to do before. I stepped back and let you set that boundary. I trusted you to know your own limits with outside contact because you said you would, but you didn’t. Because of that, because you misjudged what you could handle, you hurt me deeply, led me to feel rejected and abandoned. Reaffirmed my too-muchness. The trust box burst open and all the trust dust flew out. Now, we are left dealing with far more push than pull because there are only grains of trust left. 
And, it feels like maybe there is something going on in your life that makes that push from your clients, that lack of closeness and trust from me and maybe others, feel even more personal to you. We don’t deserve frustration, anger, and annoyance. No matter how much we might lash out in pain, no matter how much we might resist painful change imposed upon us, no matter. This space is supposed to be our space of acceptance without condition. But you’ve attached conditions. Your needs and emotions have become a condition. I know I pushed you to the point of honesty about those feelings. I don’t want you to regret that; I don’t mean to use that against you. I needed that honesty and you were fulfilling that need, so it was a good thing. But also a thing that makes me worry for you. I care about you and I care about me and the type of care I’m receiving. 
To be clear, I’m not trying to say you’re a bad person or a bad therapist (I actually think quite the opposite). I am not placing blame or judgment here. I get that we both play a part. I still think you’re incredibly intelligent. I think you have a kind heart. I do think you care. I think you are skilled and well-read. I think you have the capacity to be an amazing therapist and specifically to be someone I’m honored to walk this journey with. However, at the moment, I also feel like I’m being used and a little abused.
Your boundaries change when you need them to change, not when those changes serve my therapy. It’s scary and inconsistent; that’s why there is so much push-pull. Yes, it is your practice and you have the power. Yes, you can charge a fee for extratherapeutic contact. Yes, you can reject client gifts. But you also have a responsibility to your clients to ask what your intent and intentionality is when making these types of decisions. Because the collateral damage of your actions lately, from the outside and from this side of the room, seems pretty substantial. Your approach to delivering such change was careless and thoughtless. It was out of character and felt fuelled by anger not positive regard. I know it doesn’t feel good to be analyzed and scrutinized. I know it doesn’t feel good to have me call every little thing you do and say into question but I need you to understand, I put trust in you, despite my better judgement and you broke that trust in a very painful way. It feels like you keep breaking that trust as we work to put a little bit back into the trust box each session. You do not get to blame me for being critical now. 
Now, I’m protecting myself from you. That’s where we are. That’s why there is more push than pull. Yes, I still want you close. Yes, I still want to trust you. But, at this point, I think we might need space. As much as I have been avoiding this because I know it is going to hurt me even more than I’ve already been hurting. I think a break might be the right choice for both of us. Time away from this particular therapeutic relationship might help us both gain desperately needed clarity. Because I feel like, right now, we are at an impasse. We are both looking inward but what we are finding isn’t leading us to any congruence in our alliance. What we have isn’t even an alliance at this point. It’s a tightrope act, with us both feeling judged and scrutinized. Neither of us meaning to make the other feel how we have. But, the fact remains, nothing about this has been positive or healthy for at least a month. I’ve continued to come to sessions out of a sense of stubbornness and obligation. I wasn’t going to run this time. I think you’ve kept me coming because of practical reasons; you need money. The reality though, what I feel is truth: we are stuck, C.
I need us to explore the possibility that this isn’t going anywhere right now. You keep hurting me in big ways and little ways (all boundary ways: changing communication, telling me my art would just go in a folder, etc.) and I don’t know how much more hurt I can take. It’s just piling onto all the rest of my hurt. I feel completely rejected. I feel like I started to trust you with my heart and you couldn’t hold the weight of it, not even just the small sliver. That’s why it belongs in space because it’s a vacuum, my heart can be weightless there, doesn’t hurt anyone, doesn’t weigh anyone down. Obviously, I don’t want to have to leave my heart there. I don’t want to have to take a break from this. I don’t want to have to feel like I’ve failed one more relationship. I don’t want to have to do this alone. But, C, for whatever reason… I don’t think we are good for each other right now. This may be a professional relationship but due to the intimate nature of the relationship, it can implode just the same as any other intimate relationship. 
So, I need us to decide…. together, what are we going to do? Where do we go from here? Do you see what I am seeing or is your perspective different? I need us to be honest about goals. I need us to be real about how long I’m looking at being in therapy, if I stay? I need consistency.  I need assurance that you’re seeking your own help for whatever issues you’re dealing with in your own life (and I don’t think that’s unfair to ask of someone who is in a profession where your brain and sense of self are the tool of your trade). I need some assurance that what we are doing has purpose. I need assurance that you are thinking about my needs when you make decisions. I need to know that it’s okay for me to feel and think whatever I feel and think and that you’re going to accept me anyway, even if I make you angry.
 If we can’t do that then the break has to be inevitable, no matter how much I don’t want it and no matter how painful I think it’s going to be. My life is already imploding. And I am containing it all on my own, rather poorly. And we aren’t getting anywhere fast at rebuilding the security I feel I’ve lost. So, I need some resolution.
I do want this to work, C. I want to be able to bring my needs to a space we share for 50 minutes. I like sharing that space. I want to feel like I’m more than just a paycheck. I want to feel acceptance. I want to feel like I don’t have to be on guard. I want to feel like the space we share is protected. I want you in that protection, not outside as a part of the world I need protecting from. I know these things are possible. But I don’t know if you’re on board, if you feel like you can handle all of my too-muchness right now. Because, I know, C. I know I’m too much. I know I can be a pain in the ass. I know I can be infuriating. I know that when I feel like I know something I hold firmly, stubbornly. I know that’s hard work. At times it’s probably easier to provide therapy to a brick wall. But, I also know that I’m bringing a lot of positives to the table, too. And I want to be able to let you in enough that you get a whole picture, not just the frustrating one. It’s my hope that you want that, too, and not just because it means a steady income. 

15 Thoughts

  1. This infuritates me. Why is she not responding to your inner need and demonising you with this boundary BS? Why should you be placed in this position of begging? Gods sake I so wish you lived near me so you could see my therapist when I tell her about this she wont believe it. So sorry you have to endure this shit, you are stuck in an old renenactment KD you need to get out. 😦


    1. It feels so much like a power play and mind games to me. It really does make me feel small. I know it’s probably time to get out. I just don’t think she can see how her own shit is affecting her therapy relationships. I’ve tried getting. therapist here to consult but haven’t heard back from any. Idk…


  2. Did she seriously not even skim through these letters? I feel like you expressed yourself clearly and honestly… You couldn’t have done any better than you did. It’s not that you’re too much KD, I think she just might not be cut out to be a therapist. It seems to me she can’t handle it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nope, the second one she flat out said, “I didn’t read it.” She insists all the work has to be done in the room, even though she added a few, which implies I should still have the right to ask for that consultation if I’m willing to pay. But what’s the point if she isn’t going to respect what I’m asking. It’s so hard. I hate that I let myself trust her.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s not your fault that you allowed yourself to trust her. She presented a false front, you couldn’t have known. This is all on her. The fact that she continues to treat you this way just further infuriates me. She’s doing harm in more ways than one. SHE doesn’t deserve to have you as a client.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you, Rayne. I wish I could just settle on anger. But, I let myself get somewhat attached to her, so it feels at that much more complicated. And, I do blame myself. I’m in school for this, yet, I didn’t recognize… or I did recognise but I shut my intuition down. I knew things weren’t getting better in my life anymore. That’s when I should have walked away


  3. Oufff!! I don’t have a lot of words (like usual) for this one.

    So, she won’t read the letters? Do you mean during your sessions, or otherwise? If you’re willing to pay for her time out of session to read them, she owes that to you–if she isn’t going to do it she shouldn’t have said that was an option.

    If she continues to refuse to read them you should just tell her to go take a flying fuck-off because how you want to spend your sessions–whether it’s listening to the seconds tick away or looking at the swirls in an ugly carpet or talking about a letter you wrote–is your choice. You’re paying her to listen to you and be there for you for that time. And you can spend it however the fuck you want to.

    Why is she being so fucking flippant? God, she’s an asshole!! She does not deserve to be a therapist and to have a license to help people in need.

    Someone really needs to send her the definition of harm and boundaries in therapy. In fact, I think she needs to go back to school and get it straight. She’s damaging.

    I’m sorry, but I really HATE your T right now.


    1. I have the choice to read them in session but usually when I do read things like this, we don’t cover much of what I’ve actually said. She picks one point that is safe for her and we cover that. It just isn’t satisfying. I never feel heard. That’s why I keep saying, I’ll pay for her to read them before, so we can just talk/process during. I agree she shouldn’t have offered that as an option, if it wasn’t really. And I am bringing that up with her.

      I feel like she is playing mind games with me. I had a dream about her doing just that a few months ago. I should have listened to my dreams.


      1. You have every right to feel exactly how you feel about everything going on–then, now and in the future.

        She is completely invalidating everything you are trying to achieve and I hope you know that you don’t have to own any of her behaviour whatsoever.

        Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I know it’s easy for me to say that because I’m not living through it, but you aren’t doing anything that would deserve these types of responses.

        My God, you deserve so much more than this!!


  4. I, too, am floored that she didn’t read your second message. You have been so beautifully vulnerable and she didn’t even bother to read your words. A curious, wise therapist would study these letters and try to make something of them. What is buried underneath your anger, your hurt, and your razor-sharp arguments?

    Doesn’t she get that get that you need her to come closer even if it’s frightening? It seems obvious to me that you spend a lot of energy trying to protect yourself when you would much rather shed your armor. I’ve just imagined the relief you would feel if you could just rest. And maybe you just can’t rest with C.


    1. That did hurt. A lot. She feels attacked by my words. She said that last night but she followed it up with, that’s her responsibility to take care of and not mine. She said that she thought I was trying to be her friend and that’s why she tightened her boundaries. And that, in order for us to get through this, the focus has to come off her. We did have a good moment last night and I don’t want to devalue that but, I can’t just let the focus come off her… there is more for her to see. I guess I just let her wait and see it on her own. And see if we can progress in the mean time while I look at other options.


      1. The fact that she wants the focus off of her doesn’t give me a lot of confidence. My last therapist always said the same thing and our work eventually imploded. Now my therapist reminds me that the most important work happens when we focus on our relationship.
        I’m sending as much warmth as you can hold. I’ve been exactly where you are.


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