Lately, I’ve been really putting myself out there. I’ve felt lost and I’m trying so hard to find my place, to find my way, to find the path fate wants me on. Because right now, I’m not on that path. I can feel it in my bones. I’m not using the gifts I’ve been given. I’m not giving them back the way I feel I could be. Except here. I do feel like my writing matters. But, this only reaches so far.
So, on a whim, I entered into an art contest. Self-portraits. This was my entry:
Will it win? Likely not. But it feels damn good to have tried.
And, you know what else? I reached out to a local art and sip to see if they needed artist/instructors. This is how that went:
So, I have an interview for that Tuesday after work. Exciting! Maybe art could be a thing for me. I don’t know. I never thought that was an option. But, I am following the academic path as well.
I sent in a chapter proposal and an abstract for a conference in Scotland. I’m still waiting to hear back from both of those; I don’t like getting my hopes up but… it would be cool. That’s me, playing it cool.
Oh, and I am in the process of officially changing my major in grad school. I might be crazy with all of this but I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of feeling like my talents are being wasted. I’ve got this beautiful, dark, twisted brain and my bosses don’t appreciate it; they don’t challenge me the way I need to be challenged.
Geez, I’ve gone mad, haven’t I?
every action you take putting yourself out into the world, searching for your people and your tethers and your place, IS INDEED ON THE RIGHT PATH. keep on keeping on. i know these feelings so so so well, but you are doing the things. you will get there. one day. keep enduring. 💙
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Thats your inner critic giving you a hard time, KD. You know this is just excellent. It speaks to me of growth toward the real you. Dont self sabotage. Go for it with an open heart. I believe in you.
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Oh, goodness. Yes, I’m excellent at self-sabotage and I rarely catch myself in the process of actually sabotaging. It’s only in looking back that I realize what I’ve done
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This may speak to you. I wrote it a week ago. When I read it back I thought of you too. https://emergingfromthedarknight.wordpress.com/2018/02/18/this-is-a-new-place/
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I love that! I hope that I can trust the presence of new land and hands reaching out.
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That’s awesome! Growth and positive change don’t usually happen without taking risks – you go girl!
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Thanks! It’s scary but so far I don’t regret putting myself out there.
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There is satisfaction and some happiness when we endure, risk, try to live fully.
I think attitude and effort is what we control.
Results are not our concern as anything external.
Our well-being lies within and you risking is a step,towards happiness.
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You are totally right, thank you
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Good luck with the interview and the contest. Your art is beautiful… You definitely have a lot of talent. 🙂
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I don’t even feel like doing the interview after the therapy I had yesterday. 😔
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I don’t think I said thank you. Sorry. Thank you! I just had a really rough day after therapy yesterday and am, again, questioning if this is what good therapy is supposed to look or feel like.
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