What did your therapy look like at 6 Months? What are you in therapy to overcome or challenge or heal from?
After another session of what feels like complete misattunement, I’m left with so many questions. Instead of letting them all mull around in my head, I’ve typed them all out stream of consciousness.
C says, after I spent hours and hours crying at the end of our session and after our session, that I’m right where she expects me to be. But, how do I know that? Therapy is so individual and it’s such a private thing. I’ve never walked through my pain before. I’ve never healed so how do I know what that looks or feels like, especially when she keeps adding hurt? I don’t even remember what the last straw was yesterday because I ran in my mind. I could have hung up the phone and run physically but, instead I dissociated. These were my thoughts after:
I can’t do this
I’m not strong enough
The pain is too much
It’s too uncomfortable
This is excruciating
I must have done something wrong, that’s why things have changed.
I’m being punished for needing too much
She wants me to hurt
I’m being manipulated
She is testing my boundaries to see if I’ll assert myself.
I thought I did. I told her I felt hopeless today, that I felt like quitting
Why did she take that as the right time to push?
I’m hurt and confused
I’m angry that I have to learn boundaries at 29.
I’m angry that I don’t have proper boundaries because of all the ways they’ve been violated before.
I’ll never learn
I’m destined to just repeat the same things over and over.
I’m repeating them with her and she doesn’t seem to realize she is playing right into the game
Or, she doesn’t care.
Maybe my aunt and cousin had the right idea
Maybe that’s the only way to end the hurt
Maybe I wasn’t made to be close to people
Maybe I’m too damaged
Just cut, it’ll help, it’ll quiet the voices
If she cared she wouldn’t have pushed so hard
She doesn’t care.
She is mad at me. She has animosity and she is acting that out.
She is just going to walk me into the storm and leave me
She did leave me with the storm
She doesn’t even know me
She doesn’t want to know me, she hasn’t even tried
I told her Easter things triggered me, that I felt triggered today. She didn’t even ask why.
She just focused on why I think that’s stupid
I get it, we are changing my language
She doesn’t have to be mean about it, I’m receptive to insight
She probably thinks I’m pathetic
I suck at emotion
She doesn’t care if I hurt myself
She just says be kind to yourself and that’s all, like I’m some normal, healthy person who even knows what kindness feels like.
I run from kindness
I run from cruelty
I just run from everything
I might as well not even be a damn human
Maybe I let her go too far bc I want to be punished
Maybe that’s what I deserve
Maybe she would have been kind if I just said sooner, ” your harshness is hurting me.”
It is all my fault
Everything is my fault
I’m to blame for it all
Maybe we should both face the fact that I cant be helped
Or, maybe my boundaries don’t count because I know I’ve told her that pushing me that way doesn’t work for me
She is vindictive
I think she must not like me very much
Harmless words like, “You have thoughts about everything” are said with sting.
Is it supposed to feel like this?
Am I supposed to feel worse after therapy?
I felt weird but fine for days
Now I feel shattered again
Is that what therapy is like?
How can I know I’m not being abused again?
It feels like abuse
It feels like mind games
It feels like being purposefully pushed off the cliff, out of my window of tolerance, into the hurricane of emotions.
I just wish I knew what she wanted from me!
I can’t walk away but I hurt
I hurt worse now than when I started
I wish she would just fire me as a client
I want to be abandoned and rejected
The one who fears being left, given up on, wants someone to give up on her
Does that mean something or am I just running from something that could help if I stick it out?
Then we have this text exchange (I, admittedly, after 7 hours of sobbing broke her rule. I was desperate):
These thoughts followed:
She hurts me then offers kindness. It feels like the abuser offering I love yous and flowers.
How can I trust her?
How can I know what’s true?
She says she knows it hurts, how could she know?
If she knew then she wouldn’t keep triggering me like it’s a game
I don’t know what’s real anymore. Is this what healing looks and feels like?
Update: after all of that back and forth in my head, I think I realise that was a shame spiral. It’s probably the very thing I most need to work on. And, I think I’m going to keep trying to trust her (after all, she did not freak on me when I obnoxiously text at 12). I hope that my lack of trust and my struggling to see any signs of care (even though they’re there) are just “symptoms.” I hope there isn’t really a reason to lack trust. Even if there is… I guess I’ve got to risk getting hurt some time. Hah! might as well be now.