Today the weather matches my mood. I am a tsunami of Sadness.
I am, quite frankly suicidal in the has a plan and could act on it kind of way. Today I contemplated suicide in a way more serious than I have in ages. Had it not been for the consistent company of my best friend I probably would have come straight home from work and therapy, tidied the apartment, tidied myself, and swallowed as many bottles of pills as I could force myself to keep down. If chasing them with pepto would have helped keep the pills down, I would have done that, too. I felt shattered and hopeless. I felt like I’d never see the light again.
But, that wasn’t my fate today. Instead, my best friend came over with food, so I ate, something I wouldn’t have done otherwise. And she came over with this:
It is a picture of her shower wall. When we were about 15 I was in some sort of emotional crisis. So, she invited me to stay the night and before I went to take my shower she wrote “Smile! I Love you!” in Sharpie on the wall. Her mom was pissed. But it meant so much to me and truthfully probably did keep me going for a good while. In a moment when I couldn’t see any light in this world, she did this crazy, stupid, amazing, loving thing for me. And it’s been there for 14 years. That sweet, loving kindness has persevered for so long! It’s weathered it’s own shower of storms, as has our friendship. But, she always comes through for me and she gets me better than anyone else I’ve ever met. I am unbelievably grateful to have her in my life, no matter how complicated our history. No matter how little she actually knows about that complicated history. I love her. She is my chosen family.
So, while I still feel like I might capsize, and while I still feel like swallowing ten bottles of pills, and while I still feel like I might implode… at least for a while I got a break. My sweet best friend came into my tsunami with me, armed with a fortress of umbrellas. And for a while, I didn’t have to weather the storm alone.