Grasping for the Intangible

Grasp: it’s such a powerful verb. One can grasp something, as in “to have an understanding of.” Or one can grasp an object, to hold that thing firmly. One can grasp for something, to try and seize that thing with the intent of not letting go. One can grasp opportunity, take advantage of a situation. It’s almost limitless, this verb. But what I find most interesting about it, as a word person, is that the object of this grasping doesn’t need to be tangible. In fact, in most instances, we grasp at the immaterial. It’s something primal, instinctual within us that takes hold. We grasp knowledge. We grasp for hope. We grasp for love. We grasp for validation, reassurance, human connection. We grasp the gravity, the weight of a situation. We grasp reality. We grasp Society’s expectations for us. We grasp how we are seen by others. All these things, we hold or seek to hold. All these things that make us human, fallible.

Today I find myself grasping at the intangibles of life. I thought I was okay after sending my “we are done walking this therapy journey together” email. But, apparently that was just a faulty idea I was grasping a little too firmly. Because today I lost hold of that idea. C finally emailed me back and the finality really set in; one might say, I was grasped by reality. Her email wasn’t the closure I had hoped for. And, yes, I was grasping at hope. I held firmly to these unrealistic expectations that she might, in the end, show me some understanding, some humanity, some compassion. I held firmly to the hope that she might finally hear me. But it was all just grasping at things that never could be; that’s not her. I guess it never was. What I got was a precise, clinical, by-the-book, ethical response. Closing my file, terminating our relationship, discharging me from her services.

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That was it, just a standard, could be for anyone ending. And she didn’t even spell my last name right in the “attn.” part which I’ve cropped out. I mean, it’s a small mistake but we spent six months, many sessions together… It just feels like another show of disrespect, not being able to properly spell a person’s last name after 6 months. It felt like a slap in the face. But even after all of that, after these months of feeling hurt, feeling punished, feeling disempowered, feeling hopeless, feeling confused, I still grasp at some hope that the relationship wasn’t what I made it out to be. I want to be wrong. Even as I talk to new counselors to try and find a better fit, I still long for the connection I thought was there. It’s absurd. But I guess that’s the thing about grasping the Intangible, it doesn’t always make sense.

I suppose I’m finally free to mourn the end of that journey. Free to move on and hopefully find someone who is a better fit. I spoke to one of the prospects today. I pretty much cried through the whole consultation because of the whole C thing. But, she was kind and patient and wise. She is a possibility. Maybe that’s where I am right now, grasping at possibility. Because everything about my life is in a state of flux, a state of unknown. It’s terrifying. I’ve tried to be brave and positive. I’ve tried holding onto all the different perspectives. But I’m just tired. I’m exhausted from trying to seize the ever elusive hope.

And that exhaustion comes through loud and clear, unfortunately. When I saw the psych today she made me sign a no harm contract, despite my telling her numerous times I wouldn’t harm myself. She said over and over again that she was worried. She wanted me to take more time off from work, to consider intensive out-patient care. I seriously must have been a damn sight to behold. I guess that’s how it was when work had the freak out as well. I’m not sure what it is about tears and depression that frighten people so much. It isn’t helpful, their fear. When I’ve lost hope, the last thing I need is to have to reassure everyone else that all is well. Because it isn’t. Things aren’t okay. I’m not okay. But that is okay. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes.

That’s where I’m at right now. No grasping. Just being okay with not being okay.

via Daily Prompt: Grasp

14 Thoughts

  1. First I want to say that, in my personal opinion, your therapist was intimidated by you. Not only are you smart with wording but also the in’s and out’s of laws concerning patient/care giver. When she blamed that for the no outside contact and you informed her you knew different, I think from there she knew you’d challenge her and some people are not up for the challenge.
    As far as the new therapist suggestion, I think you should heed her advice. What could come of it? I think only good. You deserve to dedicate the extra time to your well being. You have gone through what would break most people, here recently, so now it seems time to actually evaluate what has transpired. Instead of focusing on what you need from other’s, decide what you need from yourself. You are a strong woman who may need to take some time to relax even through this transition, it is possible.

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    1. Yeah, I think she has been done with me for a while. She was definitely uncomfortable being called on her shit. And, it’s spring break right now, so I’ve been trying to do my relaxing and evaluating now. I don’t think I’ll need any extra time or extra care but if I do, I’ll seek it out.

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  2. Her response feels very cold to me. I suppose it’s not T’s job to be all warm and fuzzy, but at the same time I don’t think it would hurt to be a little more caring. I also think she’s left you in a mess. And that, my dear KD, is completely unfair.

    I hope things improve and you get the help that you deserve from someone new who gets it and is way more caring. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to take more time to get things together for yourself. I’m guilty of never taking time for me and it’s starting to show.

    Take good care of yourself and do what you need to do to get through this life for you and not anyone else.

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    1. You’re so right, Kerry. It is cold. Very clinical. And I think she could have been a little more caring but she lost that side of herself months ago. It definitely is a mess. It sucks and it hurts. But I’ll pick up the pieces and keep moving, like I always do. I just wish I didn’t have to be in this position at all.

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  3. Her response is robotic but just remember that in a world full of “I’ll sue you” people have to protect what they say especially if it is in writing and coming off too “friendly” in her industry can sometimes be seen as a negative (its ridiculous i know!).
    In saying that I truly believe the cliche saying of “everything happens for a reason” and you’ll find a much better fit for your needs on your new journey. Looking forward to reading more of your posts! Have a great rest of the week 🙂

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    1. I do understand being clinical; however, she was the complete opposite for 5 months. All in writing. If I were the “I’ll sue you” type, she’d already given me enough. But, unfortunately, the lack of warmth wasn’t just isolated to writing, it was her whole demeanor these last 2 months. That’s why I ultimately chose to stop working with her. It felt so punitive to have experienced that warm, caring person and then all of a sudden get this cold, clinical robot in her place. I couldn’t work with that and she wasn’t budging. Anyway, hopefully I can find something different this time… And if not, well, I guess I learn that I’m the issue.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I wonder if something happened in her personal life to make her change?
        I definitely think you made the right decision and Im sure the universe has plans to bring someone far better suited to you to help in your journey. Sending lots of positive vibes your way 💛

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        1. Oh, something most definitely did change in her personal life which brought about the change. But it was easier to just put it on me, since it’s my thinking we were supposed to be fixing. She made very clear that fixing the rupture wouldn’t happen with the focus on why she did what she did.

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