This morning I sat curled up in the fetal position, in an old wooden chair, in an unfamiliar place, having Thai tea instead of my normal morning coffee/protein shake.
In the midst of all this unknown, I was awed by the beauty all around me.
I thought for a second, maybe this is what growth looks like, maybe this is what it means to incubate as an adult. Because to incubate is essentially to develop slowly without outward signs. This is an idea I’ve talked about before: There is no “suddenly” about positive change (And probably in others), the idea that healing from mental illness (or growing with mental illness) can be so frustrating because we can’t see the change in the same way we can see physical healing and growth. But, I think, it really is visible to us, if we are open to seeing the growth.
Just in taking time for myself this morning, in accepting a different way of doing my morning routine, and in allowing myself to be awed by my surroundings I can see growth. I am pretty rigid, usually, when it comes to my morning routine. But even I could see how this change was good change. And the goodness kept coming today.
I went on a 7 mile hike with my cousin and indulged in doing some yoga pose photography. I even let myself cut loose and be a little silly, not something I ever, ever do anymore. It feels like there is too much risk in being silly but I did it and it felt damn good. More proof of growth.
In order to be incubating though, one must be inside of something. Which begs the question: inside of what am I incubating? Community? Love? My own ambition? Words/books? Music? All of the above? Maybe the act of growing, if being incubated is a universal act. Maybe it’s something we do all together, in a sort of cosmic symbiosis. As you grow, I grow, and vice versa. We are each other’s support. Or, we are each other’s failings. But, even then, are we not there to pick each other up as best we can? Maybe that’s with words of encouragement, maybe it’s physically, maybe it’s by writing a silly message in sharpie on a shower wall. Who knows? But, what I do know, with certainty, is we are there. We are all in this together. Incubating in the cosmic, communal womb.