Ironically

Ironically, the day that I made this art for a friend:

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Is the same day I need someone to act as an island for my weary heart. I found out today that the therapist I was really holding out hope to work with cannot be my therapist. Our state has put a hold on granting new licenses and since she was an out of state license, trying to get an in state license that puts her low on the list of priorities. Because of this she has decided to just forego having an in-person practice. My hopes felt absolutely crushed. I asked if we could just be friends instead, since we never actually worked together. I know that is bold and likely to be met with a “no” but, we will see. What is life without risk? Oh, and, I won’t know what she says for ten days because she emailed just before leaving the office until the 16th. Agony.

Where does my therapy actually stand, you may wonder?

I did have therapy with the clinical psychologist today, Dr. W, and it was okay. I mean, she is nice enough. She is skilled. But, no warmth. That is important to me. It makes me feel like if the warmth is there then I won’t fall into the same trap I always fall into. Because the lack of warmth is what I feel like leads me to the trap. It’s weird. I know. It doesn’t make any sense. We did talk about that today, the whole faulty cognitions. I guess she can be a good option for now. I’m just still so, so sad over the C thing. I hate her right now because hating her hurts less than missing her.

So those are my options, do online therapy with the therapist I really wanted and never feel quite satisfied with what it is… or… do in-person therapy with someone who is adequate, whom I don’t see myself ever having a connection with. It’s like… I thought I was going to get truffle mac and instead I got boxed mac and cheese. And now, I have the choice between two different kinds of boxed mac and cheese but no matter what I don’t get what I really wanted. I’m hungry, in case you couldn’t tell by that poor analogy.

REMINDER: I will be phasing out crossposting here soon, so if you’d like to keep following me please follow herpatchworkheart.com; you can either type the URL into wordpress search and follow there or visit the page and follow with the email you use for wordpress. It should automatically link the email with your wordpress account.

3 Thoughts

  1. I’m so sorry that you are unable to do therapy with the clinician who felt like the best fit. Is Dr. W your only option or could you continue to explore others? It’s so unfair for you to have to settle for someone when it doesn’t feel right.

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    1. I weeded out a whole mess. If I want to stay in the area I live in then I’ve pretty much exhausted my options. I could go the hour drive route again… but that was so exhausting. I just feel defeated.

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  2. Your Aer work is beautiful and speaks volumes. I’m so sorry about your dilemma in finding a therapist. The therapeutic relationship is so important and has to feel right. You deserve to feel warmth in that connection with a person to whom you bare your deepest fears and vulnerabilities. I truly hope this works out for you. Thank you for stopping by and reading my post.

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