Healers Who Wound

How many of us have gone to therapists seeking healing or respite from the storms raging inside of us, only to walk away with new wounds, deeper wounds? To let ourselves open up, feel and share intimately with another person and then to have that person decide to do something which they know will hurt us… it is shattering, soul crushing, agonizing. I don’t know about you but it leaves me questioning:

what did I do to deserve this? 

What is so wrong with me that everyone leaves? 

Why can’t anyone stick around? Am I that bad?

I know those are attachment wounds talking but the questions feel so crucial, so vital to my getting through this. I am tired of crying. I’ve cried so much my eyes even feel wounded, the tears sting. No one should have to know this hurt on top of the hurts we brought to therapy to begin with.

I wish that I knew how to help others who’ve also been hurt by their healers. I wish I knew how to take away the pain of abandonment, of choices that aren’t really choices at all, of what looks to the outside world as “a good end” because there was a proper termination session. But that doesn’t make it a good end. And I don’t know how to help heal this kind of wound. I just know that something has to change in this profession. There are too many wounded healers who don’t know their own wounds well enough to not cause more damage. There are too many therapists with poor boundaries working with people who’ve never known what boundaries are supposed to look like. We are vulnerable in that way. There are too many therapists reenacting the injustices of their own childhoods because they’ve convinced themselves it’s just. That’s love. They believe the lie that they do it because they care.

Newsflash: you don’t knowingly hurt someone who you care about.

And yet, therapists do it all the time. Convince themselves that it isn’t abandonment if the client has to make the choice. Convince themselves that in having their needs met they’re really meeting the needs of the client. Placing all the responsibility on the shoulders of the patient. Well, it’s too much.

9 Thoughts

  1. I have never had this from a therapist, but I know of a couple who have blogged about this happening and the damage is hurting. It just causes further damage not needed and takes longer to heal.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is the most devestating thing you can go through and I went through it several times. I can only say some people should not be practicing and I was told by a very experienced therapist some years ago that those with severe attachment wounds need a therapist available pretty much 24/7 and most cannot practice that way. The deeper our attachment wound the more likely we will be retraumatised by ignorant therapists. I only know a reparative relationship helps, but also knowing ITS NOT YOUR (OUR) FAULT when others fail us or try to get us to carry the can for their own superficiality. Sending you a big hug and loads of love…..<3

    Liked by 2 people

    1. In many ways I’m still grieving my last therapist who never even offered a termination session. Without that crucial closure he has been an undeniable presence in my current work. I think many therapists feel that if they keep control of the reins the client won’t attach so deeply, while others consider attachment work absolutely crucial. As with most relationships, it’s almost impossible to begin without accepting that you might get hurt, even badly so. It’s just so hard to reconcile this with purposely choosing someone you thought would help.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. That comment is SO spot. So if you attract a therapist with their own attachment issues its very problematic. I started to see red flags with my last therapist re dependency. Its such a fine line between addressing those deeper wound and growing our own loving inner adult with the help we never got to do when young. Great comment.


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