Just a general update, nothing wise here.
I had another session with Dr. W yesterday. As well as an appointment with a different psych. Needless to say, yesterday was emotionally draining.
The psych was less gentle than my usual psych. So, when she said things that implied I wasn’t trying enough because I broke down and cried over not wanting to keep gaining weight, I cried harder. I told her she didn’t understand. I told her that I wouldn’t be happy if I gained all the weight back. That I’d just stop eating because that’s where my brain goes. She responded with, “we have to get you to a nice baseline first and then deal with the weight gain.” But that tells me she still didn’t get it because I won’t be happy ever, if we do it that way. She did end up taking me off abilify: a compromise.
The appointment with Dr. W was slightly better. It was an unexpected appointment because I told her I was feeling hopeless and that I might bail on therapy if we kept sessions at once every week and a half. She put me at the top of the cancellation list. And she happened to have one for yesterday at 6:30. So, I went. We talked about my plan for when I feel suicidal. We talked about the distorted thinking I have. She read part of my cognitive distortions blog out loud. I almost cried. It was hard to hear those things outside my head. I didn’t realize how much despair was there. We also spent some time just barely grazing the surface of my traumas. She knows I have a lot. She knows when the most recent was. But that’s about all. She asked me what I would tell someone who had suffered my trauma. I told her, “you’re worthy. You’re lovable. It wasn’t your fault. There isn’t anything wrong with you.” But then I said different rules apply to me; she said that was a normal response. She then told me those things. She said, “I want you to have someone to have told you that out loud, in person.”
She wants to explore my traumas further but at my pace. She said she tends to be gentle so I will have to tell her if we are going too slow or of we happen to be going too fast. I liked that, knowing that she has a gentle approach and that she doesn’t just want to avoid my traumas like C did. They’re the elephant in the room, kind of hard to avoid.
At the end she asked how I felt. I told her worse. She asked if I could agree not to self-harm. I told her I couldn’t. So she asked if I’d agree to stay safe for a week until we see each other again. I said, “okay, I can do that.” And that was that. She told me to take care of myself and to reach out if i needed anything.