Maybe there is hope…

Just a general update, nothing wise here.

I had another session with Dr. W yesterday. As well as an appointment with a different psych. Needless to say, yesterday was emotionally draining.

The psych was less gentle than my usual psych. So, when she said things that implied I wasn’t trying enough because I broke down and cried over not wanting to keep gaining weight, I cried harder. I told her she didn’t understand. I told her that I wouldn’t be happy if I gained all the weight back. That I’d just stop eating because that’s where my brain goes. She responded with, “we have to get you to a nice baseline first and then deal with the weight gain.” But that tells me she still didn’t get it because I won’t be happy ever, if we do it that way. She did end up taking me off abilify: a compromise.

The appointment with Dr. W was slightly better. It was an unexpected appointment because I told her I was feeling hopeless and that I might bail on therapy if we kept sessions at once every week and a half. She put me at the top of the cancellation list. And she happened to have one for yesterday at 6:30. So, I went. We talked about my plan for when I feel suicidal. We talked about the distorted thinking I have. She read part of my cognitive distortions blog out loud. I almost cried. It was hard to hear those things outside my head. I didn’t realize how much despair was there. We also spent some time just barely grazing the surface of my traumas. She knows I have a lot. She knows when the most recent was. But that’s about all. She asked me what I would tell someone who had suffered my trauma. I told her, “you’re worthy. You’re lovable. It wasn’t your fault. There isn’t anything wrong with you.” But then I said different rules apply to me; she said that was a normal response. She then told me those things. She said, “I want you to have someone to have told you that out loud, in person.”

She wants to explore my traumas further but at my pace. She said she tends to be gentle so I will have to tell her if we are going too slow or of we happen to be going too fast. I liked that, knowing that she has a gentle approach and that she doesn’t just want to avoid my traumas like C did. They’re the elephant in the room, kind of hard to avoid.

At the end she asked how I felt. I told her worse. She asked if I could agree not to self-harm. I told her I couldn’t. So she asked if I’d agree to stay safe for a week until we see each other again. I said, “okay, I can do that.” And that was that. She told me to take care of myself and to reach out if i needed anything.

16 thoughts on “Maybe there is hope…

  1. I LOVE the sound of Dr W… There is hope, always. Always.

    PS well done for standing up for yourself re: meds. They’re amazingly useful for SOME PEOPLE – but if you know they aren’t doing the trick for you listen to yourself. I went med-free since starting therapy and never been happier. Not advocating that approach for everyone hopefully that goes without saying, but just saying it’s great to be able to push back when a med is NOT working for you, I had so many years of misery on meds I hated. Psychs can be so fuckin pushy. I hope coming off Abilify helps you! Is that an antidepressant? I will Google…

    Tbh, I know you’re suffering and that is so tough, but given all that’s been going on with you you’re doing great. I love reading your posts lately and I love your attitude. Keep going dude! 💙


    1. She is surprising me in a good way. I hope that she keeps surprising me in a good way.

      The psych actually tried to blame my lack of progress in mood on therapy. I was like, uh no. That’s not fair. DR. W is still new to me. She hasn’t had a fair chance yet. Abilify is an antipsychotic. She kept me on the antidepressant for now. We are tapering off over the next few weeks.

      And, thank you for the reassurance. It means a lot.


      1. Lmao your psych 😦 people are the worst… Ah dude did you find the antipsychotic helpful? It’s crazy cos they’re just an emotional blunt. I used to take mine PRN only cos it was one of the old school ones (chlorpromazine) so I could take it when I was suicidal but didn’t have to take it every day, which was better but it pissed me off cos it was just a tranquilizer not a solution.

        I am also surprised by Dr W in a good way. I detected a tenderness in your post that invigorated my hope for that relationship!

        Good luck w the meds!


        1. Yeah, I want my old psych back. She listened and was gentle with me. The antipsychotic was not helpful. I mean, maybe it was for a bit. Not sure. But not lately. Meds are a crap chute.

          And agreed about Dr. W. She has a subtle kind of tenderness.


          1. Is there any way you can get her back?

            Re; meds, just keep listening to your body. I think what annoys me the most is the amount of times psychs try and persuade you to stay on things and they don’t know shit about how you feel! I loved my old psychiatrist but me and my housemate who also saw her called her pillpusher cos… well… 🤣🤣🤣


          2. They really are pillpushers! I’m trying to get back with her next time. She is in the same practice. They usually just give us who is available.

            Liked by 1 person

          3. Nice, it was the same with my NHS one but I always wangled good old pillpusher somehow…! Just my luck. PS I’ll email you on the other point soon. I’ve had awful insomnia the past few days and wanted to edit the garbled comment i started writing to make it worth the effort of emailing lol


  2. Your healing is not totally dependent on your therapists, whoever they are.

    Responsibility and results, that is our responsibility.

    If a therapist thanks your not doing your part, maybe you could do more.

    Your therapist is not responsible for your healing


    1. I am most definitely doing my part. I am doing more than my fair share of work. And it wasn’t the therapist, isnt ever the therapist who accuses me of not doing enough. It is psychiatrists who are tired of me telling them the meds aren’t working. They assume that because I’m not responding to chemicals the way I should then that means I’m not doing something right. And I’m sorry, but fuck that. I am working my ass off to persevere and heal.


      1. Meds can be trying and prescribing phd’s treat meds like other drugs. They start low with a does and I crease till they think a happy medium is reached.

        That is a different issue

        Do you have a daily practice regimen

        Do you have skills you practice everyday

        Do you Meditate or practice mindfulness

        Do you exercise

        Do you have a daily affirmation you repeat in front of the mirror and record

        Do you monitor your thoughts and thought patterns


        1. Yes, I have a daily practice regimen. I meditate every morning before work. I do yoga every evening after work. I journal daily. I do art as often as I feel inspired. I run twice a week. I have been practicing monitoring my thoughts. This is not on me. I refuse to let some psychiatrist blame me for my “short-comings” when meds aren’t working properly and I am literally doing everything I know how to do.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Sounds like u r doing the work

            Meds have side effects and we take more than one so what that impact is docs r clueless

            I was in a chronic pain group of 15

            A med would arouse one put another to sleep or have no impact

            I was just trying to challenge you and see if you were doing the work

            Most do not try

            I have started a living kindness meditative practice

            It has started to soothed my childhood trauma in a way I have never felt

            Have you tried a osteopath or alternative meds

            Our docs and pharmacies have caused this opioid epidemic so some r untrustworthy


          2. I wish more therapists would demand clients do the work you r doing

            You life may not be perfect but ur effort makes it more bearable plus you r closer to healing


  3. Sorry if I’m echoing everyone else, but Dr. W sounds amazing! I’m so happy for you, KD!

    I know you already know this, but it’s absolutely imperative that you discuss your traumas with a trained witness. And I also love that you didn’t have to lie to her about self-harming. That’s a really good sign that she’s above par as a practitioner. P has always allowed me to discuss any suicidal thoughts I might be experiencing in great detail, and something about being accepted that way has always lessened those urges.

    I’m really hopeful that you’ve found someone really special. Write to us as much as you need to! It’s always a pleasure reading your words.


    1. Dr. W does seem very promising. I’m admittedly scared of getting my hopes up though. C was pretty great at first, too, I thought.


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