Wanderlust: Not a Total Bust

This morning, during my coffee routine, I wrote about being grumbly and up early for Wanderlust. I made light of being up before the light because I was excited to try something new. But, Texas had other plans for we yogis today. It was a windy 40 something degrees. Texans are not used to this kind of weather in April and especially not just following a tornado warning and 80 degree weather the day before. Our weather is capricious to say the least.

The cold wasn’t such a big deal for the 5k. Once we got moving in a mass of humans our bodies generated enough heat to contain some warmth. And, what cold that did linger was worth the view of the skyline.

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But after we got back to our mats that was a different story. The wind was blowing so hard that our mats had all flown every which way. It was like we were in a windtunnel of industrial edifices. 40 degrees with a 20 degree windchill. By the time yoga started an hour post-5k my fingers and toes were like icicles. I literally couldn’t feel them. I was only able to make it through about 5 poses before I couldn’t take anymore. I tapped out, said goodbye to my yoga neighbor, then left. I wasn’t much in the mood for peopling anymore anyway, not after I got a random, crappy email from C. She told me that due to the nature of our relationship she would no longer respond to any forms of correspondence. I was dumbstruck by this because in my last email to her I literally said I had found peace with where we were and I wouldn’t be contacting her anymore. It was like she had to have the last word. It had to be her choice. She just couldn’t let me have that one thing! Of course, had it not been for my yoga neighbor I would have immediately shame spiralled. As it was, the spiral didn’t happen until I reached my car. There were a lot of tears as I thawed out.

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Post 5k cry

I cried for hours. I spiralled hard. I thought how awful must I be that she felt the need to make it official that we no longer communicate. I thought I must truly be too much. I must really be bad. I thought that if I were bad then I must deserve all the other times people left me and hurt me. I must deserve them because they’re punishment. I thought and I thought all the awful things. No one will ever love me. I’m truly mad. Not even someone I paid to care could muster some concern. Things weren’t looking good.

My day was pretty much shot. But, hey, at least the 5k was good and the mat company was nice.

10 Thoughts

  1. Too bad Wanderlust didn’t go as well as it could have.
    This is yet another sign that you made the right decision to move on from C. The only way an email like that would have been appropriate would have been if the two of you had agreed the therapeutic relationship was done and that would be the end of contact, but then you bombarded her with emails after that. For her to send that email given the actual circumstances is just a gratuitous slap in the face. It sounds like she is very much in need of some supervision to get her professional shit together as a therapist.

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    1. I’m just done with her, with all the extra hurt. Some part of me held out hope that I’d stop feeling rejected by her or that she would own up to her part some day and that would be the random email but that clearly won’t happen. I’ve blocked her from any further communication. She can take as many choices away as she wants but at least that one gets to be mine, to really solidify the closed door.

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  2. I am shocked that C continues to reach out to you even after your termination session. It sounds like she is the one having a hard time with this ending, perhaps more so than you. Maybe you can find some strength in that?

    I emailed my ex-therapist only once after our break-up because I had a few things I needed to say and I needed to create my own closure. She responded with an email that was all about HER and in no way made any acknowledgment of how she had so deeply hurt me. And I decided not to respond. There was nothing left to say. It was better to let her have the final word. And I knew it would drive her NUTS to know that I was no longer engaging with her and was instead leaving the conversation dangling in that way, forever in suspension. But it was MY decision to not respond and it’s made it easier to reclaim my power from her and not look back (too often).

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    1. I think she and I were stuck in a cycle of triggering each other. I don’t think either of us was really invested in letting it go. We were saying the things we were supposed to say and not meaning them. I’ve blocked her now though so… the cycle has to have ended. I had to reclaim power somehow, too.

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