Please Help me with Perspective

Yesterday, I decided suicide was the answer to my problem of me being me. But I also decided yesterday wasn’t the right time, that I had affairs to get in order first.

If you’re wondering where all that came from it was a combination of the C thing and the former friend who recommended her unleashing on me. And a current friend seemingly agreeing with what the former friend unleashed. This former friend is the same one involved in the When Hurt People, Hurt People incident.

The conversation has me stumped. There is truth there and then there is a lot that I feel is unfair, righteous judgement (which then makes me wonder if that is the whole “victim mentality”). I am going to post the conversation here for you all. What do you think? How would you feel if someone you used to be really close to told you those things? How do I know where the truth is and where the anger is because I do think some of her words are coming from a place of anger. (Oh and I decided I’m not editing out therapist’s name or the “friend”).

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I conceded but I feel like she also can’t possibly know all the progress I’ve made lately and she can’t know how wrong things went in the therapeutic relationship. And I don’t think that stuff was my fault. It was my therapist’s responsibility to make and maintain appropriate boundaries and she didn’t. It was her responsibility to help me with my shit and not abandon me with it. So, sorry, if that makes me seem like I am playing the victim. It just… ugh… I don’t even know. Help, please?

 

26 Thoughts

  1. I didnt read the whole convo just few beginning and last image. I have heard all of that too.

    I dont know rest of the 2 people involved so cant say who is right and who is wrong.

    but this happens. tbh. one of my closest friend said similar shit to me and he is still my closest friend. when so much is happening to you somethimes people find it hard to believe. thats what I concluded from my own scenario.

    well. whenever you need to talk to someone I am here.

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  2. It’s difficult without knowing the total context of the conversation, but you have never come across as a victim to me. You are a victim of an unprofessional therapist though. It does seem like your friend, if you can call her that, is projecting her feelings onto you. You’re right about C and that’s not something that you should be shamed for.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That was the whole conversation. After I got the last email from Casey (C) that really hurt me, I sent that message to Mia. Because I thought Mia should know before recommending C to other people, since she doesn’t know how C works as a therapist. They only know each other because Mia is C’s massage therapist. At the time I trusted Mia’s judgement and I needed help so I went with it. I guess I was just letting it be known that I wish I had done my own research first.

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      1. Ah right. That’s fair enough. I wouldn’t recommend a therapist to someone unless I was a client of them first. Even if you had researched, these are the kind of things you are only likely to discover as a client. It is wise advice though. Try not to blame yourself. x

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  3. KD,

    Circles are meant to strengthen, not compromise. Some of my lowest lows were exacerbated by people and situations that sent me off the rails. It is the most desperate, hopeless fucking place. It made me paranoid, it made me feel closed off from everybody else, and it made me angry; at people who I thought I could trust and at myself for trusting them.

    I hope this feeling doesn’t eat you up, because it can. And that would be a horrible conclusion to the bright light you offer. The darkness can be overwhelming, but the fight is worth it. It really is.

    Peace

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Well, my first reaction was I’d like to slap this bitch into next week. She’s telling you that you should be more empathetic and yet she’s not even showing the tiniest shred of empathy. She’s calling you selfish but her callous disregard for how he words impact you seems pretty darn selfish. And she is twisting your words, including acceptance of your own responsibility, to construe them as you playing victim and blaming others. That bit about you needing to fix yourself by sitting down and giving food to a homeless person… now that’s a real gem of an idea. I think whatever truth is in there is so bloated with maliciousness it would be hard to dig it out.

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  5. Like others have said, I don’t want to speak to the situation with you and Mia without really knowing what happened there. I’m sure it was painful for both sides based on reading your conversation. Im sorry for that.

    I’ve often come up on this issue of people believing those who struggle repeatedly with mental illness are accustomed to “playing the victim.” This irks me no to end. I think there’s a difference between constantly playing the victim and feeling victimized. You pointed out a lot of evidence that shows you don’t consistently play the victim (e.g. finding a new therapist) and I see it in your posts (the yoga, the continued effort you put into thinking about your issues through different lenses). You are helping yourself, or it seems that way from my view. It’s just that a large part of mental illness lends itself to constantly feeling victimized: being sensitive to other people’s negative cues and invalidation in relationships, being anxious about what different situations mean for you. Depression in itself feels victimizing when things start to look bleak and hopeless!

    It seems that she’s frustrated that her attempts to help you before haven’t 100% “fixed” you, but that speaks to an ignorance about how nonlinear healing is. Anyone in our community knows that it isn’t just as simple as “filling the sand holes” yourself (was that her analogy? Something similar). You can do your best, but sometimes your feelings are out of control and one conversation isn’t going to be a simple fix. It takes a lot of work and support. She negates your hard work and invalidated your experience with Casey without even asking for more detail. She just made an assumption. I don’t know, but it just feels like her perspective was simplifying a really complicated process. Like because she was able to feel better doing x, y and z you should be too. When it’s never been as simple as that. If we could just pick ourselves up and be okay all the time, we would!

    Maybe there are good intentions there, but they were represented poorly. I’m sorry she couldn’t find a way to be there for you. It seems like there are still so many unresolved issues for her. I hope that you are in a better place today and not still considering suicide. You are an important part of our community and are needed in this world.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. As far as not asking about the experience with Casey, I think she is just intent upon blaming me for that because she is still upset about how I hurt her. Like, Casey never hurt her but I did, so the Casey thing must be my fault.

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  6. Please realise this so called friend is invalidating you at every turn. Reading this angers me and I hope you dont take ahy of what she says on board. A lot of it is her stuff and she is not actually understanding the depth of what you have endured in your life or its impact. I would restrict my contact with a person as toxic as this, personally. (that said it would still have got under my skin if it happened to me)

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  7. Also did you notice how all she wrote immediately pushed you into fawning and accepting all culpability.. just to hold onto her approval? There were emotions underlying what you did and she is not showng compassin for those…nor insight into them…

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      1. Do you believe that you have pushed others away as she asked, honestly? I would have been confused too as she is projecting a lot onto you as the ‘bad’ one who is ‘misbehaving’ but without insight or awareness, in my humble view.

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          1. If you were a victim how could you not..its tough work to find the strength in that as we were not conditoned to fight back..thats what others dont see our lashing out is saying no dont do this it hurts..that is all part of your wound and healing and she isnt showing empathy for your true plight.

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          2. I sent her a message back and told her she hasn’t been in my life for months and hasn’t seen how hard I’ve been working so she doesn’t get to negate my experience of growth and progress

            Liked by 1 person

          3. I’m pretty sure she is absolutely not going to like it and she is probably going to say this is me blaming again. But I don’t care. To me, I’m standing up for myself and not being the victim.

            Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh she made my blood boil! I think she needs to take a long, hard look in the mirror. I’m actually angry right now, so won’t comment further, lol.

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    1. Haha yeah… the longer I sit with it, the more I think she was coming from a place of anger. Or, I wonder if Casey breached confidentiality and told her some alternate story of what happened with our therapy and she is reacting to that. I don’t know. No sense in me pondering it too long

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