Yesterday was a difficult day. I received my appraisal from my supervisor. She marked me down significantly for my absences, some of which were completely out of my control. I felt punished for something that was, in part, not completely my choice. Not to say I am completely blameless here. I know I have chosen to take more days off since the HR incident. There have been days I just felt sick thinking about going into that place, so I don’t put myself through it on those days. I also got in trouble for not leaving the adults explicit instructions on those days, though I communicate with the kids directly so they know their work. This isn’t what made the day difficult though, not exactly.
I reacted poorly to the appraisal and made a comment in the portal that the days I was forced to take off should be taken into consideration. Also, that it should be noted when my absences started to increase. This prompted my appraiser to come to my room, just as a student was leaving from tutoring. She proceeded to converse with him about how “amazing” I am as a teacher. But then as soon as he was gone she told me I shouldn’t have made those comments because now they will follow me everywhere and I won’t be able to get another interview if I leave the district. I told her I didn’t care because it should be known that I didn’t choose those, that something unjustifiable happened to me at that place and that isn’t being properly reflected in my appraisal. We then argued about accountability and who should be accountable for what. I basically unleashed on her all the fury I’ve been holding toward the principal which wasn’t fair. She only played a small role in what happened to me that day and days following. I’ll try to have a candid conversation with her about that but I don’t know how that will go.
What I do know is that I felt cornered yesterday. I felt attacked. I know that those feelings were bigger than the situation called for. But I also think they come from a very real place. I need to get to the root of that response while also dealing with the here and now issue of my job and how I’m continually triggered in that place.
After the argument I just stood, dumbfounded in my room for several minutes, tears streaming down my face. I wanted to cut or throw something or do something destructive. I didn’t. I gathered my things, text a supportive coworker, called my best friend. Finally got ahold of someone, talked it out to get some perspective. Then had coffee with my partner. I still wasn’t feeling completely safe after that so I was hesitant to go home. I couldn’t get ahold of anyone though so I went home. I had the razors in my hands. But I had that little voice in my head that said, “you don’t really want to do this.” So, I didn’t. I decided to practice my handstands instead.
The physical exertion and the feeling of accomplishment (this was only day two of practicing handstands) was enough to pull me out of the negative headspace and give me some distance.
I’m just feeling proud of myself today for having made positive choices when that pull toward destruction was so strong.