Feeling Shattered

I spend a lot of time talking about the good days, trying to write things that are informative or encouraging or inspirational. But I’ve moved away from writing anything v raw and gritty. After the whole C thing, I sort of shutdown emotionally. I spent literal years closed off to human connection, keeping myself safe. She was one of two people I let in since building walls around my heart. Both of those relationships ended disastrously. I can’t help but feel like I am the common denominator. I don’t know why this is hitting me so hard today (maybe something to do with it being the day I conceived my first baby, knowing how that ended, with the loss of the relationship and the loss of the baby). I thought I was moving beyond what happened between C and I. Apparently not. I have literally spent the entire day just crying and crying (with my cat cuddling me, a simple comfort):

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Wishing that I could just have some proper closure but I ruined that. C completely closed the door. I can only consent to her consulting with my current therapist and I don’t know how much good that will do. I don’t want to taint this new relationship by bringing in the old one that way. But maybe it could help. I just don’t know. All I know is that I trusted her. I trusted that she could be an anchor in the storm, that she wouldn’t be scared away by the transference and countertransference. I trusted that she wouldn’t give up on me like so many others have before her. Maybe I expected too much, hoped for too much.

I wouldn’t say I was aggressive with her but I did point out some things that were undoubtedly painful for her to hear/read if they rang true in any way. And I know they did because I’m perceptive and intuitive in a freakish sort of way. I often know what people are feeling even via text or email. I often know what they are feeling even before they have identified their feelings. Why can’t I do this with myself though? Why can’t I see this loss clearly? Why do I feel so shattered, so drowned? How have she and I managed to draw this ending out for months? Just triggering each other. Pushing each others buttons. I just wish she would tell me, “we both made mistakes, you’re not broken, not unlovable, not a hopeless cause.” It hurts to be rejected yet again by one of the only people I’ve let see all parts of me. The ones that lash out, the ones that are loyal to a fault, the ones that people please to avoid abandonment, the ones with logic, the ones that keep people out, the ones that desperately want connection. I wish that we could have stuck it out, that she could have helped me help these parts of myself work together. I wish she could have helped me to integrate the exiled parts. I have so many wishes, none of which will ever be realized.

Today, I kind of want to go the way of Virgina Woolf. Because what’s the point of living if all I will ever do is create the self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment?

21 Thoughts

  1. Baby girl, this sounds so much like how I felt for years, and years. Every time I trusted, the results were disastrous. Always found the meanest narc in the office, neighborhood, family. You are young and quite talented, not to mention beautiful. ❤ I have felt this pain, and it's quite unbearable, really. This year alone I have lost 3 key people in my family, one being my NPD sister. One my stepson. No matter, when you begin to respect and appreciate YOU, that is when you will draw the right people. Please don't give up before the miracle happens. My life is improving by the minute, and it will for you as well. Prayers for comfort and peace~

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really hope you’re right. It is just so, so hard to see that right now. I feel like I will never be able to break out of this pattern. I am also left feeling to blame for the awful endings. And the other people involved don’t seem to see my perspective which makes me question whether or not it is all just in my head.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I have been thinking a lot more about your comment and about the draw toward people with NPD and it has really made me start to wonder if my therapist maybe was/is a narcissist. There for a while I thought maybe I was because I was being gaslighted and made to believe it was all in my head. And she was calm, cool, and collected while I was lashing out at being unheard and unseen.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am sorry you are having a day like today. It is most likely needed and will hopefully do some good towards healing. Allow yourself to feel what needs to be felt. Sending hugs your way. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You have been left to hold all the pain of being abandoned ALL ON YOUR OWN KD. That is a hell of a lot to bear and because its difficult to contain it you begin to turn it around on yourself. I am sorry I have not been able to link with you via a chat face to face as I have had so much going on in my own life that I am just keeping my head against water. Some big astroshifts seem to be pushing pain up for healing and we have to witness it but then also release it and not get stuck there again. I have heard it described as the air being let out of a balloon slowly and it will take time for your whole being to trust a relationship with a therapist and let the process start. You suffered a therapy ‘abortion” that is why you are struggling now Its not your fault. Hugs ❤

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  4. It’s a loss that you are entitled to grieve. C was unprofessional and having to have the last word definitely shows counter transference and projection. She was responsible for her feelings though. You only have agency over your own feelings. It takes two to tango.
    If your new therapist has any integrity, which she seems to, she will ignore any personal opinions given by C. It will take time for you to trust again.
    I hope that the tears are healing. You are not broken or unlovable. Sending hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is so hard, and I’m sorry you’re feeling so shattered. Even though it happened a while ago, it can take a long time for us to feel okay again. The grieving process has no time limit. It’s normal that you’re still feeling so hurt about the C thing. Sending love and hugs. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I don’t know if there is anything I can add at this point, because everyone else has said it, but I want to reiterate how sorry I am that you’re feeling this way right now. Pain comes and goes in waves, and you’re entitled to sitting with it and grieving. This was such an important and intimate relationship, it is only natural that it is going to take time to move past. Even though she will never say the things that might bring you closure, maybe you can say those things to yourself, as much as you need. Sending you strength, not that you need it because you are already so strong on your own!

    Liked by 1 person

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