I spend a lot of time talking about the good days, trying to write things that are informative or encouraging or inspirational. But I’ve moved away from writing anything v raw and gritty. After the whole C thing, I sort of shutdown emotionally. I spent literal years closed off to human connection, keeping myself safe. She was one of two people I let in since building walls around my heart. Both of those relationships ended disastrously. I can’t help but feel like I am the common denominator. I don’t know why this is hitting me so hard today (maybe something to do with it being the day I conceived my first baby, knowing how that ended, with the loss of the relationship and the loss of the baby). I thought I was moving beyond what happened between C and I. Apparently not. I have literally spent the entire day just crying and crying (with my cat cuddling me, a simple comfort):
Wishing that I could just have some proper closure but I ruined that. C completely closed the door. I can only consent to her consulting with my current therapist and I don’t know how much good that will do. I don’t want to taint this new relationship by bringing in the old one that way. But maybe it could help. I just don’t know. All I know is that I trusted her. I trusted that she could be an anchor in the storm, that she wouldn’t be scared away by the transference and countertransference. I trusted that she wouldn’t give up on me like so many others have before her. Maybe I expected too much, hoped for too much.
I wouldn’t say I was aggressive with her but I did point out some things that were undoubtedly painful for her to hear/read if they rang true in any way. And I know they did because I’m perceptive and intuitive in a freakish sort of way. I often know what people are feeling even via text or email. I often know what they are feeling even before they have identified their feelings. Why can’t I do this with myself though? Why can’t I see this loss clearly? Why do I feel so shattered, so drowned? How have she and I managed to draw this ending out for months? Just triggering each other. Pushing each others buttons. I just wish she would tell me, “we both made mistakes, you’re not broken, not unlovable, not a hopeless cause.” It hurts to be rejected yet again by one of the only people I’ve let see all parts of me. The ones that lash out, the ones that are loyal to a fault, the ones that people please to avoid abandonment, the ones with logic, the ones that keep people out, the ones that desperately want connection. I wish that we could have stuck it out, that she could have helped me help these parts of myself work together. I wish she could have helped me to integrate the exiled parts. I have so many wishes, none of which will ever be realized.
Today, I kind of want to go the way of Virgina Woolf. Because what’s the point of living if all I will ever do is create the self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment?