This is the side of me no one gets to see:
Behind the posts with wise words and hope and the displays of tenacity is this girl: the girl with tears running down her face, puffy eyes, and only the comfort of her cat. The not so glamorous side of me. All of those things that get poured out into the blog come at a price. One doesn’t get depth without boatloads of pain. And I’m feeling the full force of that pain today. It hit me suddenly, out of nowhere.
I just want a long hug. I want someone to hold me and let me cry. I want to feel comforted by something other than words. I have had enough words. Words aren’t what my body needs. My body needs warmth.
For now, I have to settle for feline cuddles. Don’t get me wrong, Chubs is an amazing cat. I really think she understands human pain. But it isn’t quite the same. And it just hurts even more knowing I’m not going to get that hug. It’s just going to be me, alone with my tears today. No wise words. No will to be brave or tenacious. Today I just want to melt into this galaxy bed and stop existing. Because existing hurts too much. And as much as I want for there to be a why, for there to be a reason I can explain away, there isn’t. Depression and trauma often work that way; there is no narrative, just pain. Physical pain and emotional pain. And a deep well of loneliness.
The voice in my head keeps telling me I’ll never be okay, that there isn’t any sense in continuing to try. I will never get what I need from therapy. I will never get what I need from friends. I will never get what I need from relationships. I don’t have what I need within myself. It just isn’t there. I don’t have a genuine capacity for connection. I’ll never see the walls come down again. I’ll always be an island, alone in a raging sea of emotion.