The Side No One Sees

This is the side of me no one gets to see:

Behind the posts with wise words and hope and the displays of tenacity is this girl: the girl with tears running down her face, puffy eyes, and only the comfort of her cat. The not so glamorous side of me. All of those things that get poured out into the blog come at a price. One doesn’t get depth without boatloads of pain. And I’m feeling the full force of that pain today. It hit me suddenly, out of nowhere.

I just want a long hug. I want someone to hold me and let me cry. I want to feel comforted by something other than words. I have had enough words. Words aren’t what my body needs. My body needs warmth.

For now, I have to settle for feline cuddles. Don’t get me wrong, Chubs is an amazing cat. I really think she understands human pain. But it isn’t quite the same. And it just hurts even more knowing I’m not going to get that hug. It’s just going to be me, alone with my tears today. No wise words. No will to be brave or tenacious. Today I just want to melt into this galaxy bed and stop existing. Because existing hurts too much. And as much as I want for there to be a why, for there to be a reason I can explain away, there isn’t. Depression and trauma often work that way; there is no narrative, just pain. Physical pain and emotional pain. And a deep well of loneliness.

The voice in my head keeps telling me I’ll never be okay, that there isn’t any sense in continuing to try. I will never get what I need from therapy. I will never get what I need from friends. I will never get what I need from relationships. I don’t have what I need within myself. It just isn’t there. I don’t have a genuine capacity for connection. I’ll never see the walls come down again. I’ll always be an island, alone in a raging sea of emotion.

25 Thoughts

  1. Sending you a cyber hug. I read your posts with undivided attention, listening as a fellow human but also as a counsellor. I would give you a hug if you were near, but I have to settle for sending you a cyber hug instead.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are so brave in sharing your story and I think it’s very valuable for both counsellors and clients/patients to see what someone’s process looks like, from the deepest thoughts and the ebbs and flows of the process.
    Keep at it, you will get there. I don’t know when or how, I just trust in the process and that your counsellor is doing the best for you, and I can definitely see you are working hard.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. oh, my heart is breaking for you hun because I know the pain, I know those feelings, I am here, I know the hugs from chubs arent the same as from a human, but know we all on wordpress, we care, i care, sending virtual cyber hugs! xo

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Just leaving a short comment in case this disappears!! Just wanted to say I only have words and virtual hugs, but sending strength, peace and light to you. Feeling like this is so awful I know xx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Some days are so so hard. And not having the support sounds like it is really hitting home today. I am so sorry you are in this space. I dont know what else to say but it will pass, I truely believe those feelings will pass. ❤

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      2. Bless you, it is so hard sometimes. I know words don’t help but things will get better, emotions change and little by little you will find moments of peace. Don’t deal with this on your own, keep talking. Look after yourself xx

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      1. Well, I think you are stronger than your depression & can make it through. I know, it’s easier said than done but I have been where you are (though no one’s experiences are exactly the same), wanting to die, hurting myself. It helps to know you aren’t alone, you deserve better, & I truly believe you can make it through this. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Fortunately, right now I don’t even have the energy to hurt myself. I’ve just been sleeping, eating, and crying all day.

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  5. I was curled up deep inside a very similar state this morning. One by one images of my past came through me and i was crying to the depths of my being. I chose to see it as a cleansing and as an awakening to further depths of my soul. The current full moon is close to a point associated with the weeping sisters and Jupiter is ruling the Moon from Scorpio which represents the emotional depths. This is probably exactly where we are meant to be. Hugs ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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