I cried today during morning yoga practice. I’ve been told this is something that happens but in a year and a half I’ve never experienced the rush of emotions people have told me about. I wondered if I was defective, to be quite honest. I wondered if I was really that shut off to my emotions. But today it happened.
We completed about 60 minutes of the practice already and we were lying back in supta baddha konasana (reclined bound angle pose), with one hand on our hearts and the other on our bellies. The teacher called us to think about all that we are thankful for and immediately my mind went to the people who won’t let me retreat.
Recently I had an experience that through me back into some really difficult, problematic ways of thinking and out of shame I tried to retreat. I refused to talk about the feelings. I refused to talk about the trigger. I refused to let anyone in; I insisted on just figuring it all out on my own. Even though I knew this method was going to hurt me more. Because, again, we are wired for connection. Even as I was retreating inward, something inside me was screaming, “reach out, let someone in.” But I didn’t. I ended up falling back into old routines. Despite that people were there; they were just a quiet presence.
Thinking about the kindness and generosity of people being there even as I push them away really hit me hard during this yoga class. My heart opened in those moments, just lying there. I realized, I am ready to let people in. I am tired of retreating inward. I am tired of being scared that I’ll be turned away with my emotions.