I’ve been doing a lot of waxing philosophical lately and I’ve got to tell you, it is an avoidance tactic. I kept trying to will myself into this amazing life of hope and enthusiasm. And, for a while it worked. But, not everything has been great. So, here is just a general life update.
I went to my first group therapy session last Wednesday. I have never been to group before, so I had no idea what to expect. But I must have had some expectations because I feel like it did not meet those expectations. It was painful just to sit there in the presence of so much pain. I felt like a raw nerve, an open conduit to all the pain of the women in the room. I couldn’t wall myself off from their pain. I just soaked it up in silence. So by the time group was over, I was way outside my window of tolerance. The therapist, J, said something to me but I don’t have any clue what she said. I just remember looking at her and fleeing for the bathroom. I cut 7 times.
J ended up messaging me to check-in during the time I was locked away in the bathroom. She said she was glad I had come. I messaged her back and told her I wasn’t sure I could do the whole group thing. She asked if she could call the next day to talk about what I need and reassured me that not every group session is that intense. We did talk the next morning. I told her about the cuts. She told me that she knows I don’t know her but that she would be willing to dispose of my sharps, if that was something I felt I could do. I told her I would think about it but honestly I have so many stashed away in various places. I don’t think that would do any good. She also asked if I would sign the release so she could communicate with Dr. W. I told her that I would sign the release. It does seem smart that they be able to communicate.
On the note of Dr. W, I haven’t seen her in a while. We had to take a break because my schedule has been insane and we weren’t able to get me in last week. So, I went into group and had to carry all the feelings on my own. I don’t have my next appointment until Thursday. I tried to get some time on the phone with her. But it ended up not working out. She said she would call me at 2:15 Thursday which was perfect because that’s when I get a 15 minute break in class. But Dr. W was running 10 minutes behind. So, she called me while I was trying to get a restroom break in. I called her back immediately but she had her phone on do not disturb. She tried again to call but I had to go back to class, so we missed each other. I felt so let down by this that when she offered to call Tuesday, I told her not to bother. I was determined to just do it all on my own. Because I felt like people can’t be depended upon. It is always just going to be me in the long run anyway, so what is the point of letting anyone in and asking for help. Those feelings passed, so I emailed and explained and asked if she would still call Tuesday. She said she would. So, we shall see.
I quit all my meds except for the benzos. I am a little afraid of quitting those. I know it can do awful things to the body coming off of them. But this isn’t the big psychiatry news. The big psychiatry news is that they sent my urine out to a third party lab to be tested. Apparently they ordered 20 tests that my insurance doesn’t cover. I received news from my insurance company that I am going to owe $3,220. Might I remind you I just quit my salaried job? And even if I hadn’t, I still couldn’t afford that. Needless to say, I was livid. The only thing the lab would have found in my urine was benzos and barbiturates, both of which they already know about. There was no need to send my urine out. And now, who has to pay the consequences? Me. I am not paying that bill. It can just hit my credit. I don’t care.
I’ve spent a few days at the office with the woman who owns the office and with one of the other counselors. I really like them. They are sweet, fun people. I think this new job is going to be great. It doesn’t alleviate any of my “how will I pay my bills” worries but it does alleviate some of my other worries about the future. I think this job is going to fit well into my overall goals. And, I am excited to really get to know the people I work with and to learn more about what they do.
The owner of the clinic, let’s call her A, is so enthusiastic and adorable. She gets super nerdy happy when talking about EMDR. I mean, it is a genuine passion for her. I really admire that and it makes me want to see how EMDR works. She believes so wholeheartedly in it, so there must be something there.
My group therapist, J, does EMDR in her private practice, so maybe that’s something I can talk to her about. I would still see Dr. W but maybe J and I could occasionally do EMDR together. I don’t know… it is just a thought.
In other work news, I have an interview for a full time job that might be cool and might also help me toward my overall future goals. It is life coaching with at-risk youth. I feel like I am kind of made for this job, so if I get it that would be awesome. I don’t know what the pay is or if it comes with benefits but those are things to be discussed after an offer is made.
Yoga Teacher Training
This one is actually really complex! The training itself is going really well. We are already teaching a full sequence and that is awesome. But there are some issues pertaining to my C-PTSD. The instructor insists on forcing us to be affectionate with one another and I am not okay with this. Even though I find the other girls safe, I don’t feel safe when the instructor makes us hug each other or kiss each other on the cheek. For the instructor it is innocent. It is just a way for us all to connect and share love. But for me it is a trigger.
An additional trigger I discovered Saturday was being touched when I am in poses with my head down. Twice this happened. We were in pigeon once and she came and walked her hands down our spines which did feel nice but it obviously triggered me. The other time was when we were bent over our legs with arms threaded through. She came and massaged our necks and shoulders. I know she did this because our bodies were all really sore from 5 hours of practice. But it still startled me and made me feel unsafe. I didn’t realize how unsafe I felt though until yesterday. I was in my shower and I could vividly feels hands walking down my spine. I freaked out and turned around. No one there. But my fight or flight was already activated. So when the AC blew the curtains, I had to check and make sure there was no one in the room. When I saw shadows outside the curtains I had to check. And let me tell you how irrational this is, I live alone and keep both deadbolts locked. There was no way anyone could have been in there but I was petrified with fear. I was able to get through the moments without cutting but it made me realize something has to give. I have to say something to her.
I could keep going because there is so much more happening in my life right now but this has gotten long, so I will leave it there.