I think I’ve finally found the right combination of professionals. I saw my psychiatrist today and she was patient as I refused to produce a urine sample (after the $3220 debacle). And she was patient as I refused to give blood because I just didn’t see the point (hello, depression). She was disappointed but gave nothing away when I told her I quit one of my meds because it was making me gain weight and I quit the other because it hurt my stomach. She just accepted my angry brooding over life and she reminded me that I matter to her and that she isn’t giving up on me.
Then I had group therapy tonight. And, again, it was kind of miserable. It didn’t help that I was going in already feeling moderately suicidal (which, I will tell you, I feel ridiculous about. Depression is a dumb dumb; it makes no sense). But my group therapist stayed an hour after session with me to make sure I was safe and to come up with a plan to keep me safe until I see Dr. W tomorrow.
And, the other day Dr. W opened up her schedule to talk to me for longer than the 15 minute phone window she usually gives. And the thing about all of these things, even though they’re potentially boundary crossing, they still feel clinically justifiable and safe. I don’t feel terrified that there is going to be a C repeat. And, even if there were, I feel confident that I have others in the team who will support me through it.
I’m still ridiculously depressed and triggered but I also feel really, really fortunate. I don’t know how I lucked into a team that seems to care so much.
Side note: speaking of caring, I am feeling a lot of it these last few days and I am so grateful. I’ve had all of you on here; you’re always amazing. I have my new yoga friends who are just beautiful, inquisitive, kind people. I have my best friend who tells me every day that she loves me and I matter to her. I have my professor who was genuinely saddened by the counseling services exchange and who has done everything she is allowed to do in her capacity to help. Even new people like A took the time to really, genuinely ask what was going on.