This isn’t where I thought I’d be

As I approach almost 30 years of life and I take inventory of where I have been and where I am, I realize, I am no where I thought I’d be.

I never thought at 29 I would be waking up at 7:30am to break-up texts because I wasn’t ready to be more physically affection. And they were feeling unwanted.

I never thought that at 29 I would be thrust into the midst of all my trauma shit, in the form of flashbacks and nightmares. I never thought that Pandora’s Box would choose now to open.

I never thought I would be in group therapy, individual therapy, and seeing a psychiatrist. I never thought I would last this long trying and discarding med after med.

I never thought I would still be battling self-injury.

I never thought I would have already been married and divorced.

I never thought I would have been almost a mother, especially not more than once.

I never would have thought I would have had and lost as many friends as I have.

I never thought I would have this many secrets from the people in my real life.

I never thought I would still be alive, to be honest. But here I am, alive and getting my primary source of cuddles from felines.

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It isn’t all bad though.

I also never thought I would be back in graduate school for something I absolutely love.

I never thought I would have found a worship group that I kind of dig (even if I am too busy to go lately).

I never thought I would be in yoga teacher training.

I never thought I would have a job that merges the two things I am currently most in love with: yoga and counseling.

I never thought I would be watching as my social circle expands.

I never thought I would be looking at any of the many unknowns and possibilities that currently face me, but here I am.

This is what I am learning about life and especially living with multiple mental health issues: life doesn’t go as expected. The journey is never going to lol the way we want or hope or plan. But we keep getting up, we keep walking, we keep paving new paths anyway. Because why else are we here?

9 Thoughts

  1. I love your “I never thought list” and I could make a list that would look very much like yours. I love your list though and how brave you are to put it all down and take stock in your journey. Its very powerful. The good stuff on your list is fabulous and I am so happy that you have all that going on. You are making your way, choosing to walk your path even on the hardest days. Feel proud of yourself. The journey is the stuff we are really made of. Hugs.
    Maggie

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Your post is a journey in itself.

    The first part is sad almost regretful, then you also never expected some good things.

    Moral of post

    You have faced adversity, suffered at times but also thrived in the midst of turmoil.

    Realize you did not give up, did not give in, did not quit or deny reality.

    You took action

    Maybe not where you thought you would be, but you know you can survive when things are tough

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love the way you structured this post, with the sadness for the difference in where you expected to be and where you are in the first part, but then not leaving it at that and continuing on with the more hopeful, unexpected pleasant surprises. 🙂

    Like

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