This day, the day that would have been my anniversary, 4 years ago I wrote this:
“I realized tonight that I really need to stop apologizing for just being myself. I am a messy, complicated, sensitive, super emotional, overanalyzing human. I’m imperfect. I can be difficult. But, I’m also incredibly loyal. I’m probably excessively generous. Once I trust you I’m pretty good at saying what I think/feel, so you’ll always know where you stand with me. I have a ridiculously unique perspective on life. I always try to be supportive and encouraging. I’m a dreamer. I believe that one person really can make the world a better place. I keep hoping when there’s no reason left to hope. I do have good qualities.
I really need to start believing that I’m worthy of love and friendship. I need to learn that I can’t force people to care how I need them to care, that part is up to them (but also I need to realize that I can’t expect something from someone when I haven’t asked for that something). I need to realize that the people that see my worth will see it no matter what, no matter how many times I do stupid things or make their lives more difficult. Being me isn’t something I need to apologize for…I wonder how many times I’ll have to repeat this to myself.”
I needed this reminder today because I do feel sort of tossed to the curb. I feel hurt on a really personal level still. So, it’s good to be reminded by my younger self that I am worthy of love and friendship (and a job where I can help people) just as I am. And it’s good to be reminded by my younger self that I do have redeeming qualities. I am a good person despite my mental health struggles.
All of that said, I am realizing that everything I’ve lost in my life has been a lesson. Losing relationships has taught me to grow through the muck, to be stronger, to be a better person. Losing this job has made me realize that it’s actually okay to have needs and to put those needs first; it doesn’t make me less loveable. And, in fact, for the helping profession it is so important that I know how to do that out of work so that I can be fully present in my work. I didn’t realize this until now because I’m really good at pushing through and doing what needs to be done. But I was drowning. I just didn’t see it until someone took away something that meant a lot to me and made me really look at myself.
Today I am thankful for my younger self’s wisdom and for the hard lessons in life.