A lot has changed for me recently. I’ve not been posting much because I’ve been in a mental space where I feel like everything I say just doesn’t come out right, so it is best not to even bother. But, I miss the wordpress community, so I am going to try and summarize where things stand for me now.
Probably the biggest change has been in this area. I stopped seeing Dr. W. Or, rather, we are on a break. I’ve decided to pursue EMDR. I found a therapist who does this and she seems sweet though I’m not sure there will be a connection there. I didn’t feel anything from her. But, that doesn’t mean anything. I didn’t really feel anything from J, my group therapist, either, and now she feels incredibly warm and safe. I’ve only been to group maybe 4 or 5 times now. It has been difficult every time but I feel supported, so that’s been good.
Oh, the EMDR therapist suggested I do comprehensive DBT to sort of fast track the stabilization stuff that needs to happen before processing trauma. I did see a DBT therapist. She implied that she thinks my diagnosis should be BPD. No one I have seen has ever actually gone there. I know diagnosis is just a label in mental health terms but it does make me more wary of DBT with that therapist. I don’t want to cope with what it would mean to be slapped with another label, so I’m on the fence about pursuing that route. I’ve got a workbook I can work through. It isn’t quite the same but I would rather do that on my own and at least be attempting a relationship with the EMDR therapist, let’s call her AZ, instead of having to start a relationship with someone new. Transfer to someone else, work on another relationship. And so on.
The psychiatrist listened to me when I said I think my depression might be as a result of PMDD, so she also listened to my med suggestion because I told her I had already researched PMDD and the most effective treatments. So, I am currently compromising with her on my meds. She wants me to keep taking Latuda and Xanax. I wanted to he on Celexa. I am taking all of them. I try to stay away from the xanax but I do think I might be starting to become dependent. That scares the Hell out of me.
I also got a new med for sleep, lunesta. Fortunately, it doesn’t seem like I am having any of the crazy, weird side effects that can be the case with hypnotics. I’ve stopped taking the medication that suppresses my nightmares because I want to be able to dream and remember my dreams again. I feel like they fueled my art and I haven’t been able to create lately. I miss that part of myself.
Still no news on this front. I am okay with this, actually. If I am not working it gives me more time for school and self-care. I do worry about money, as I don’t know what my last check from the school district will look like. But, I also get some money back from my financial aid. And, I am going to pull my retirement money as a just in case. If I don’t pull it out TRS absorbs it and it becomes theirs.
I did have a second interview for a life coaching position. I think I could love that job. I haven’t heard anything but they said I wouldn’t until they received funding anyway. It is for a non-profit so they have to be approved for a grant or something in order to pay the life coaches. If that doesn’t work out, I had another interview for a yoga instructor position. It isn’t as awesome as the one I had but I would still get to teach yoga which is exhilarating.
As a last resort, I did figure out an alternate school schedule, so I could teach again if I had to… but I really don’t want to sign a year long contract, not knowing what my school schedule will need to be in the Spring.
I’m still doing really well in all my classes. I got a 97 on the counseling video I did right after getting fired which was extremely validating. It reminded me that I am capable of compartmentalizing and doing the job of a counselor. It made me feel like I do have what it takes to put others first and then take care of myself after.
I will say, however, things have felt weird for me with two of my professors since the whole chatting incident in which I was walked down to the counseling center. I may have crossed a boundary, in terms of what’s acceptable in the professor/student relationship. And I am not sure how we go back to the other side now. I understand that my professors have to be able to evaluate my performance/skills in an unbiased way and I worry that now they won’t be able to remain unbiased. I have no evidence to support that worry, however. Both professors that saw me in that vulnerable place have remained completely neutral in their evaluative roles. I’m sure the weirdness will pass.
I got back into a relationship with the recent ex. We only split because I wasn’t able to meet her physical needs. With having more flashbacks and nightmares, my body literally tenses any time I am touched. In order to preserve my own mental health, I’ve set up pretty firm boundaries around touch. She was feeling unwanted which is understandable. I’m still on the fence about whether or not getting back together was a wise decision.
I think that about summarizes where my life is right now.