Well, I guess I jinxed group therapy. Our group therapist told us today that she would be passing the group off to another therapist. While I logically understand that she is doing this to spend more time with her family, emotionally it feels like being given up on by another person. I literally just said this morning how I feel safe with my group therapist in a way I haven’t felt with any other therapist. I trust her. And I suck at trusting people. I’m afraid I won’t be able to trust the new therapist. I’m afraid I’ve been abandoned so many times that this is a huge setback in terms of trust. It sucks. It sucks so incredibly bad.
And catch this ridiculous logic (again, I know she is doing this because she needs to spend evenings with her family): I feel like it is my fault. She was running group smoothly for so long before I showed up and then I got a few amazing months, just enough to get a taste of what safety and a genuine therapeutic relationship feels like, before it crumbled. I feel like maybe if I hadn’t been too much. If I had never asked to talk to her after session. If I hadn’t asked for an individual session with her. I really do know that I am just one person and I don’t have that kind of power but in my effed up head that is how this whole change is playing out. Like I screwed it up. Because I screw up everything.
Plus, it is triggering some bull shit mommy issues. For whatever reason this feels a lot like when my mother said she was done raising kids and left me with my dad. Left me to raise my damn self, as if I weren’t still a kid. As if I didn’t still need her. And maybe that is why this feels similar. I’m jealous that the other group members got more time with her. I feel like I still need her and I don’t get that time. It feels like another person giving up on me before I was ready.
Right now I am having a pity party. Everyone else in group either has her for individual or they have someone with an established relationship, so they aren’t losing their only sense of therapeutic stability. I don’t have that. She was my consistency. She was my secure base while I sought out an individual therapist that felt right. Ultimately, while we processed this to some extent tonight during group, I’m left to process it the rest of the way on my own.