I Spoke too Soon

Well, I guess I jinxed group therapy. Our group therapist told us today that she would be passing the group off to another therapist. While I logically understand that she is doing this to spend more time with her family, emotionally it feels like being given up on by another person. I literally just said this morning how I feel safe with my group therapist in a way I haven’t felt with any other therapist. I trust her. And I suck at trusting people. I’m afraid I won’t be able to trust the new therapist. I’m afraid I’ve been abandoned so many times that this is a huge setback in terms of trust. It sucks. It sucks so incredibly bad.

And catch this ridiculous logic (again, I know she is doing this because she needs to spend evenings with her family): I feel like it is my fault. She was running group smoothly for so long before I showed up and then I got a few amazing months, just enough to get a taste of what safety and a genuine therapeutic relationship feels like, before it crumbled. I feel like maybe if I hadn’t been too much. If I had never asked to talk to her after session. If I hadn’t asked for an individual session with her. I really do know that I am just one person and I don’t have that kind of power but in my effed up head that is how this whole change is playing out. Like I screwed it up. Because I screw up everything.

Plus, it is triggering some bull shit mommy issues. For whatever reason this feels a lot like when my mother said she was done raising kids and left me with my dad. Left me to raise my damn self, as if I weren’t still a kid. As if I didn’t still need her. And maybe that is why this feels similar. I’m jealous that the other group members got more time with her. I feel like I still need her and I don’t get that time. It feels like another person giving up on me before I was ready.

Right now I am having a pity party. Everyone else in group either has her for individual or they have someone with an established relationship, so they aren’t losing their only sense of therapeutic stability. I don’t have that. She was my consistency. She was my secure base while I sought out an individual therapist that felt right. Ultimately, while we processed this to some extent tonight during group, I’m left to process it the rest of the way on my own.

19 thoughts on “I Spoke too Soon

  1. I don’t know if its a pity party. I tend to blame myself for everything too when things go wrong. This is hard for you as its not so long ago you went through the same thing. Just be kind to yourself. You have to accept reality but you are still entitled to your feelings. Hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry to read this. It’s awful that it’s brought up so much of that horrible stuff about being abandoned and too much. I take it there’s no possibility of you seeing this T individually or going on a waiting list for her? I know it feels hard to trust anyone new but maybe the new group T will be good and maybe if you were able to bring up some of these feelings you’re having now it’d lead to a sense of connection if they were able to validate your feelings. I guess letting this stuff out with a new person isn’t easy though. And finally, none of this is about you although I completely understand why your mind would take you to this place. Huge hugs and sending love x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can go on a waiting list to see her but she wasn’t available to do individual with anyone new for like 6 weeks before she decided to cut back on days/hours, I can only imagine what that wait looks like now. It might be worth the wait though. She says frequently that she knows she isn’t so special as to be the only person we connect with but she is wrong. I’ve seen a ton of therapists and haven’t felt this safe with any of them, not even C and I’d say I was pretty attached to her. I don’t want to lose that completely.

      Liked by 3 people

        1. I agree with this totally! And then if after the wait you change your mind, you don’t have to go to see her. I don’t think it would hurt being on the waitlist though.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. I totally get that feeling of it having been your fault. When I started group last year things were going well. It was a program that I could go to every Tuesday for as long as I wanted, even for the rest of my life. But then after a few months of going consistently, they suddenly changed the program and now made it only 12 sessions per individual when getting out of the inpatient program. I was convinced it was because of me that they changed it from lifetime sessions to only a 12 week program. It wasn’t until I actually asked the OT if it was because of me, that I figured out it wasn’t. It had to do with logistics… with the group becoming too big. My 12 sessions are over, and if I want another 12, I’ll have to be an inpatient first again. It sucks. Sorry this is happening.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Do you know the indigo girls song “philosophy of loss” (well it’s actually an Emily solo released long before either started solo careers – and it’s a hidden track back in the days when we got our music on CD…) Anyways, one of the lines goes: “Life is a coin toss
        And of course what you give up is what you gain”

        Liked by 1 person

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