Since 30

I was relentlessly optimistic on my birthday. I thought, “yes, I’m going to live every day like it’s my birthday.” It was like no matter what happened on my birthday, I was happy. The day was a celebration, even if all I did was go to therapy, have an MRI, and go to class. I spent about 5 hours on the road, was late for class because of road closures, etc. The day wasn’t actually what I would generally consider a good day but I was able to find the good in the day anyway. That seemed like an ideal way to live. Haha unfortunately that was short lived.

K, my EMDR therapist talked to me a lot about ego states and parts, suggesting that she had seen very distinct parts from me, which really isn’t a big deal. I think we all have parts. Then she had me fill out a dissociation scale. Also, not a big deal, because I googled and that seems like pretty normal practice. I scored pretty high on the scale which bothered me a little bit. It made me realize that maybe I’m not functioning on a level as high as I used to function on… but maybe the high functioning was always just me not being honest with myself.

My MRI went fine. I will find out if there is anything wrong with my brain either Tuesday or Wednesday. I know I haven’t written about that on here. I’ve been having more migraines than ever before. And I’ve been blind in my right eye every morning. The neurologist just wanted to check it out to make sure there isn’t anything serious going on in my brain. I am pretty sure there isn’t but facing that possibility is always a little scary.

I did get offered a position teaching yoga at a health center that morning, which is cool. However, I have to postpone the drug test because I currently will not pass. I went to Colorado a few weeks ago and while I was there I had indica edibles to help with my sleep. I’ve got a month before I have to pass that though, so I’m hopeful that this will actually be a job that I follow through on and that works out. I’ve also got a working interview Tuesday for a studio on my way to school. I’m excited to be piecing some jobs together. Jobs where I actually get to do what I want.

Despite the good news, for some reason I spent the day after my birthday sleeping. I just couldn’t get out of the funk. I think because I was watching Star Trek: TNG and now it reminds me that I’m losing my group therapist. Yeah, that connection probably doesn’t make sense. I haven’t told you about that yet, either. We met the new group therapist Wednesday. She is an intern. I’m a little annoyed that even though the other intern run group is only 30 a session, ours is staying at 60 a session. I was happy to make the hour drive and pay that amount when J was in charge because her qualifications warranted that amount. But we are trading an LPC-S for an LPC-I. I don’t think the rate should stay the same. Anyway, back to why TNG reminds me of the loss. The new therapist told us she has a cat named Data, after the android on TNG. So, while I was watching the show, every time his character was on it made me think about how we were losing J. Eventually I just had to stop watching.

Yesterday was better. I made myself get out and go to yoga. I managed to stay awake the whole day. Today should be pretty good, too. I’ve got yoga at 5:30 and tentative plans with my best friend. Soon I need to start doing my homework for my classes. I guess all of this really epitomizes the ebb and flow of life, things go up and they come down. Most especially moods. Speaking of that, now that I don’t have insurance I made the decision to go off all my meds. Just one would cost me $1000 a month. I can’t afford that, so I figured I better taper off now while I have a full months supply to slowly quit with. Hopefully this won’t come back to bite me in the butt.

3 Thoughts

  1. Good for you for picking out the good moments on your birthday, that isn’t always easy. Perhaps all the energy put into that required a little extra rest the following day, that’s understandable too. I’m sorry that financial means are restricting you from taking your meds, I hope that you can come off of them without too much trouble.

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    1. Your comment made me think I might actually have other insurance options. Haha I looked and I signed up for student insurance through the university. In terms of American insurance plans it was actually pretty affordable. So, maybe I don’t have to quit meds all together which is good because I’ve been doing pretty well on this regime. Thank you for commenting!

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