My life lately has been in a constant state of fluctuation but I’m finally starting to feel like things are settling down. I figured in light of that I would write a general update post, you know one of the ones that is all nicely broken down into sections. I will bold the really important bits so you can just read those, if you don’t have time to read the whole post. It will be long. 🙂
This one is an easy section. I think the last time that I wrote an update I was still dating someone. The same someone, whom I will call TH, who dumped me before because I wasn’t meeting their needs. Well, lol, I’ve been dumped again for the same reason. I kind of figured this was going to happen eventually because I never got to the point where I was able to be physical, sexual. That lack of physical intimacy made TH feel unwanted. So, I’m single again. I am not going to be doing any dating for a while, I think. I need to really just focus on my own healing and working through of issues.
I’m pretty sure I’ve written about a lot of job prospects on here. I had the offer to work as a crisis intervention worker. I turned that one down because it meant moving two hours away which I didn’t want to do because all of my life is here. I know two hours doesn’t seem like a lot but there are just so many more opportunities here than there are there. It means the difference between being in the city (which I am now and I love) and being in a rural, country atmosphere. I’ve been there, done that and it is not my preference. I need the hustle and bustle.
So, since that offer, I was offered another position. It was in the field of education. I turned that one down because I found out that it doesn’t pay enough for me to actually live on, despite the fact that there was opportunity for upward mobility. I know I seem to be really picky when it comes to this whole work thing. I do feel really blessed to have so many options. But the way I see it, for as long as I’m not struggling financially, I’m not going to settle.
The not settling brings me to the actual jobs I’ve accepted. I got offered a position teaching yoga at a nearby hospital fitness center. I have to get CPR certified, get a flu shot, get tested for TB, and pass a drug test. Once I do all of those things I will officially be teaching yoga for the hospital. In addition to that, I was offered a position teaching yoga at a studio nearby. I don’t have any hoops to jump through for that one. I will be a contractor, so I will have to manage my own taxes and such but it is a really lovely, small town studio with a ton of potential. It has the same quaint, friendly atmosphere as the studio where I trained.
All of that will only bring in a small amount of money, though the pay is $20-$30 an hour. So, I’m still piecing together some more jobs for some more hours. But, I feel really good about taking this route. I get to work doing something I genuinely love.
This seems like a natural place to insert this section because I was considering going off all my meds since I wasn’t going to have insurance anymore (I know I mentioned that in another blog post). I started the tapering process and realized, what the heck am I doing? I didn’t even try to find insurance some other way. So, I got to thinking and applied for insurance through my graduate school. It is going to cost me $229 a month but that more than covers the costs of my meds, so it is worth it. I am still taking Celexa and Latuda daily; the Latuda is $1000 a month without insurance, so just that med alone warrants the cost of health insurance. I’ve still been taking Cyproheptadine for the nightmares. Xanax as needed for anxiety, though I cut down on that one drastically because I felt I was becoming dependent.
I started two new medications for my migraines. I was on Fioricet, which is a barbiturate but I was abusing that as well, so I came off of it completely and never got it refilled. In its place my neurologist prescribed Namenda as a preventative. It has made me really, really sleepy, so I’m still figuring out the semantics of taking that one. And, he gave me Indomethacin as an as needed prescription. I took that one once and won’t be taking it again. It tore my stomach up. With insurance, however, the neurologist hopes to get botox approved for me. I’m a little bit apprehensive about having a toxin injected into my body but there is a large body of research that supports this as an effective treatment, so I guess I’m open. I’d love to hear from anyone who has tried botox for migraines or depression.
Oh, speaking of depression, in the diagnostic codes from my neurologist he put my depression as being “in partial remission.” And, my talkspace therapist told me, based on my most recent assessment, that my anxiety and depression are down 37% so all around winning on that front. But, it hasn’t been without a ton of work.
This brings me to therapy. Group therapy is still in the air; after the shit show (S.S) from Wednesday, I have no idea what is going to happen with group. I have vowed not to email J ever again. I didn’t feel like it was a problem because it was only happening once every few weeks. But, apparently, it is enough of a problem that she felt it worth mentioning to L. And, L chose to throw it back at me as a low point. So, no more emails, whether I stay in group or not. Part of me wonders how L is going to present Wednesday to J. And, I can’t help but wondering how much of it is going to be blamed on me. I feel like I could easily be incited as an instigator, though, of course, that was never my intention, which is why I tried to bring all of it to L privately.
Individual (EMDR) therapy is going well. I saw K yesterday and I told her all about the S.S. that was group. She validated/normalized my perspective/experiences. She also told me exactly what J talked to her about so that I didn’t feel like it was a big secret. That goes a long way for me in terms of trusting her. I was thinking that being on the wait list with J was the best thing because I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to see where individual went with her. But, maybe this whole thing with L was a good thing. It made me really see K. She is a good therapist and she has done a lot to earn my trust. She has been completely transparent with me and I appreciate that. I think I wasn’t really giving K a chance because I was holding onto the idea of working individually with J. Now, not knowing how J feels about me, I kind of don’t care if I work with her or not. I know this is probably a “splitting” thing, but whatever. It has still opened my eyes to possibility, so as far as I’m concerned, it is a good thing.
In EMDR with K we are about to start doing a timeline of my trauma, so that is kind of scary but I trust that she won’t push me beyond my window of tolerance. We also went through my dissociative scale together last session. It was even higher than I thought it was because as we talked through some of my answers I realized I still wasn’t being honest with myself. So, the EMDR is probably going to have to be tailored to my ridiculously high levels of dissociation. Hopefully, this doesn’t turn her off from working with me. She hasn’t given me any indication that higher levels of dissociation would be outside her abilities, so I’m trusting that they won’t be and that we can proceed as planned.
I do have fears that once we start working through some of the trauma some of the gaps in my memories will start to emerge. I pretty much draw blanks for most of my memories from 3 to 10. I have sporadic, traumatic memories here and there, but for the most part, nothing. I was having some random flashbacks of that time period a little while back but I questioned the validity and truth of those “memories.” I’m afraid that with the EMDR I will have to face the reality of those traumas. I know that that will end up being a good thing, just it scares me that things could get worse before they get truly better.
I’ve been doing really well using my DBT skills and staying ahead of the anxiety and despair. I’ve still been working with a talkspace therapist on DBT skills. She is really fantastic. She is my age, so it feels just sort of natural working with her. I get the skills and the accountability and support but it feels really conversational. Not in a way that is problematic to boundaries or anything. It’s wild actually, how big of a deal boundaries are to in person therapy. Yet, in TS therapy, there isn’t any question of boundaries at all. We keep up with the social pleasantries expected in conversation with any person, so maybe there is a bit of blurring there. But, really, the expectations are just super clear. She checks in twice a day on weekdays. We talk about skills, wins from the day, triggers, etc. And that is that. It has given me some very much needed structure.
The final piece of the puzzle. School is going well, too. I emailed several people about the B that I feel like should have been an A. Nothing came of that, as I expected. So, that stays the way it is.
And, I’m kind of paranoid that my pursuing that will come back to bite me in the ass later; however, I had to advocate for myself. I feel really strongly about that. The thing is, in the counseling program, any student can be kicked out, if the professors determine that we have issues which would make us a poor fit for the counseling profession. Even though I’m working my ass off on my mental health, I know that I could still easily be kicked out of the program on the grounds of ethics.
Despite my pain in the ass quirks, I’ve worked ahead in my Advanced Principles of School Counseling course. And, I’m doing really well in my ethics class. My Advanced Psychopathology course really hasn’t even started yet, so we will see what happens in that class. We only have two tests which make up our grade for the class. I don’t test well.
I think, all in all, life is going pretty well. I’ve been working really hard to avoid triggers and stay busy in a good way. I’m single, but happily so. I’m keeping up with my meds and therapy. I’ve got work and insurance. I’ve had the chance to travel a bit. My friendships are all still really strong. I’ve really got nothing but good things to say about life right now.
I hope things are going well for everyone else as well. Please, feel free to check in with me in the comments, let me know how you’ve been. I’d love to hear from everyone.