First thing is first, I’m sorry I’ve not been around much. I’m trying to periodically read posts, like them, and comment. I want you all to know I’m still about, supporting you and quietly cheering you all on as you progress in your individual journeys.
I’ve been even worse at actually creating posts. I’ve been sort of depressed and lacking in the energy department. It isn’t that I’m being productive in other areas of my life. I’ve just sort of been a lump all around.
There have been some new developments in the areas of therapy and mental health. K and I have been doing timeline work. I’ve been enormously triggered by this and not at all confident in my coping skills but I have managed to not self-harm, technically. I’ve kept struggle from K because I’m afraid if I tell her then we will slow down and I won’t ever get better. Not that this matters right now anyway; K is on vacation so I have time to ponder the best route in terms of how much I tell her.
Speaking of that, J was willing to meet with me this week to sort of bridge my care while K is out. I don’t know why but being vulnerable with J is so much easier. I let her know that even though I haven’t been cutting, I have been restricting food. It’s been weeks since I’ve had more than 500 calories. J let me know that she is definitely concerned and that if I were in her care she would want us to look at how to start reintroducing food and she would want to increase frequency of sessions. She said, if it went on longer she would suggest IOP. Of course, I’m not under her care, so none of that matters. But she will tell K, and she suggested that I do talk to K about it, because a starved brain literally can’t do EMDR. That part got me because J is right, what am I investing in if I deprive my body of what it needs to actually do the work?! But, the thought of eating literally makes me ill, so I’m torn.
Thinking about all of this has led me to conclusions but probably not the right ones. It made me realize, while I thought I was trusting K and giving her a real chance, maybe I actually haven’t been. Why didn’t I feel like she was safe enough to discuss this with but J was? What I really want to do is quit with K and just wait for J. Because, the fact is, while I am working with K there is no chance of me ever getting to switch to J. And I just genuinely feel seen and safe with J in a way I don’t with K.
That reminds me… I made a piece of art for J after our last group session. She was apprehensive to take it at first which triggered me because it threw me back to when C said I could give her my art but it would just be put in my file. I told J though that I needed her to have it; I almost cried because I could feel the sting of rejection when she said, “well can I at least see it?” Then she said some thing about not wanting to take something of great expense blah, blah. I told her it was just art that I had made and it didn’t cost anything. I finally handed it over, I think when she saw the art she really got why it was so important to me. It was like handing her a little sliver of my soul.
She did that super therapisty thing where she reflected the experience for me; she said, “you are really wanting me to know that you felt safe with me and how much that meant to you.” I just sheepishly nodded agreement. She said it was really beautiful and that I was talented. But then she also said, “you know it isn’t your job to praise me…” That part made me feel like she didn’t get it because it wasn’t about praising her, it was about letting her know that she was able to reach this part of me that has been hiding and scared for so long. I wasn’t able to articulate that though. I just said, “I know that and this isn’t about that.” She then said something about her just wanting me to have the same compassion for myself. Then she came back around to the food thing and said she didn’t feel comfortable with the fact that we didn’t have a plan for that… but, alas, time was up and I am a master at evading commitment to healthier behaviors when I’m not sure I will be able to keep the commitment.
Anyway, that was a lot more than I intended to write. I’ll make a separate post about other things like I got another job and I’ve been dating.