Well, J called me yesterday at 1:30PM and told me that she didn’t think it was ethical to agree to be my individual therapist. I expected that to be the answer but I had hope that she would be different. My heart is broken. She is just another person, in a string of people, who could help but won’t.
I’m just a “dead-end call.” I heard the term on the show 9-1-1. The character, Gloria, refers to it as a call where you know there isn’t anything you can do but listen to the awful things happening on the other line. Those were too much for her character to handle, so she hung up, refused to listen as the awful things happened. I’m that call. I was hung-up on, metaphorically speaking. I’m not J’s problem anymore. Group is over. She won’t have me for individual, so that’s it. I don’t even know if I want to keep bothering with therapy anymore. How can I, when I know that I’m not paying for the best care there is for me?
K is perfectly fine. She is a “good enough” therapist and that’s exactly why J won’t put me on the wait list because I am already under the care of someone she sees as skilled. Nevermind that I am pleading for her to see that it just isn’t the same. No matter how good K is, she will never see all the parts of me. She got to see me broken down and vulnerable yesterday, after my call with J. But that’s only because the manager parts couldn’t keep holding it together. There was too much hurt.
K wasn’t sure what to do in our session yesterday. J had told her about the not eating, so she knew that needed to be addressed. J also told her about the phone call, so she knew that’s why I could only cry and whisper. K just kept asking what I needed or wanted from the session. All I could say was, “I don’t know.” In my heart, I wanted to answer, “I need you to be J.” But that isn’t fair. Things are what they are. Either I quit or I try to build a good working relationship with K, despite feeling no emotional connection.
There is also the issue of my not eating to contend with… K said we can’t do this work if I don’t eat. She said if this keeps going, she doesn’t see it going anywhere good. She said she doesn’t want to see me ending up in the hospital. I said I wouldn’t. I have plenty of meat on me for my body to go through before it starts going after my brain. She said it doesn’t work that way. Something else she said made me feel like she was going to push me off on someone else, because she said she doesn’t know how to treat Eating Disorders. I managed to express feeling like she was going to reject me too and she said she wasn’t rejecting me, that she does want to keep working with me, just that if I keep not eating I might have to bring it up with my psych and add people to my treatment team. K is a good therapist. She learned from J and she learned well. She did everything right yesterday, said all the right things… just, somehow, that isn’t enough.