Last week in group we did a visualization at the end. We were to imagine ourselves in a forest. And to imagine a guide. I saw a buck. We were asked, as homework, to do something to connect with our guide. I drew mine (and colored it while at work; I get to do that, color with residents).
I used gel pens, hence the bright colors. Obviously I googled “buck as spirit animal” as soon as I got home. Everything I read said to have this spirit guide means to be intuitive and connected to “the in between”. Which seems pretty cool and pretty accurate to my experience lately. I’ve still been pretty overly attuned. Unfortunately, that attunement doesn’t always stop me from being an ass.
Group therapist asked me to have an individual session with her Thursday. So, I did. She was 15 minutes late. She apologized but she didn’t give me the time back and still charged me full fee. Also, there is the small matter of her getting details about me wrong. It has only happened twice, so it really isn’t a huge deal. I just feel like, why have us fill out lengthy intake forms if you aren’t going to read them. She mistook my profession; she thought I was a graphic designer. And, she got my trauma experience wrong; she thought I only had something happen to me once, this summer. I think that mistake bothered me most. All of that is to say, we had a rather… cold text exchange after the session because it took me a minute to let those things really hit me.
I’ll add, the text exchange probably wouldn’t have happened, except that she suggested we meet regularly on Thursdays after group. I told her right away, “I already have an individual therapist.” But she said to think about it. So, I did. And, I sent this text:
I dig your calm approach and I think it would be beneficial; however, monetarily I don’t think doing this after each group is feasible.
I was being nice at this point. The mad hadn’t quite hit me. She responded:
Yes, I understand. We will take it a week at a time and [if] you ever want to set something up as we go along just let me know.
Which was a perfectly nice, perfectly fine response. But then the mad seeped in and I said:
I appreciate the willingness to leave it open but I don’t think that’s necessary. I can get over the 15 minutes late thing. But I feel kind of like my unique self isn’t being honored. Every time you’ve guessed at some sort of biographical fact about me, it’s been wrong, which kind of hurts. It’s like I’m not my own person; I’ve been conjured piecemeal from what you remember about other clients. I like you and I like your ways of practicing. But I don’t feel like you know anything about me.
I bet you’re wondering how she responded to that…because I was pretty blunt. This is what she said (and I still haven’t decided how I feel about it):
Ok. This is your journey. It’s completely up to you. If you ever want to discuss or explore that further together I’d be happy to in session. Have a good evening.
I think it is the “have a good evening” of all things that makes me cringe. I know when I respond that way, it usually isn’t because I’m actually wishing the person a good evening, but instead, I’m being indignant. Like, watch me be the bigger person. I have no idea which is the case for her. But I started to feel like an ass, so I apologized and reassured her that I still found group valuable. Smh… I’m fickle.