Today was a day of therapy. I saw K at 1 today. We talked a lot about my different parts. She said she wanted to keep things simple today. She reassured me that I did a good job talking through things today and that I felt less resistant in session today than I have in the past. She had also moved her chair back to the other side of the table, so we were closer and the table wasn’t between us. It is the little things like that which led to me asking to hug her at the end of session today.
She always makes sure to turn off the sound machine because she knows it bothers me. She thought to bring art into sessions because I was struggling to talk. She makes space for me to use my voice every session. She moves her chair for me. She is willing to do the gazing. She gave me a phone check-in when I needed one. And letting me know she will still be available via email during break, even though she will be our this coming week. So, reflecting on all of that, I spontaneously asked for a hug.
She said, “sure, of course you can give me a hug!” So we hugged and it was surprisingly warm. I pulled away sooner than I wanted but I didn’t want to be needy. She asked afterward, if it was okay, if I was okay. I told her yes, that I was just grateful that she really hears me. She said it made her feel all warm and fuzzy which made me feel all warm and fuzzy. I don’t know why hugs are such a big deal in the world of therapy. I mean, hugs calm the sympathetic nervous system. Hugs are good. It felt like a breakthrough today which is good because group left me feeling kind of… broken.
We did another visualization at the end. We were supposed to picture a bright light, breathing it in, letting it hug the feelings, the dark feelings. But I couldn’t let the light in… no warm and fuzzies. Why is there such a contrast?