Sorry for Disappearing

I do that sometimes, disappear. Sorry. But, I’m here now. I haven’t felt like I had anything of any interest to post. I figure I can’t just keep staying in the dark though, so I will fill everyone in on what has been happening in my life anyway.

School

I start my practicum this semester. I’m excited to be reaching the end of this program. I’ve enjoyed learning all the materials and I genuinely find the field fascinating but I don’t care much for my advisor. I don’t feel like he is on my side. And, he happens to be the only professor who has given me anything other than an A in a class, which would be totally fine if those were the grades I actually earned but they weren’t. He has this lovely habit of not grading any of the major assignments until the end of the course, at which time he unpublished the course, puts in the grades (or doesn’t) and then submits his final grade. So, the only way we can appeal is to go through the formal appeal process which is a lengthy pain in the ass.

Despite that guy, I’ve managed to keep my GPA at a 3.8 out of 4, so I suppose it is all okay. That’s still an acceptable GPA.

Work

I’ve had some work drama that I’m not sure whether or not I’ve written about yet. We had a client cut his wrists with a broken light bulb. I went in to assess his mental state while he was getting bandaged. I was triggered by this and I shared that with a coworker whom I thought I could trust. Turned out that I couldn’t trust her. She went straight to the boss which I could understand if it had interfered with my job but it didn’t. The client had no idea I was triggered. I was able to compartmentalize, work with the client, and then deal with my emotions on my own afterward. I was simply telling the coworker as a friend, so I didn’t have to be alone with the feelings. I thought she would understand. But, I learned.

This co-worker, S, then got mad at me for being upset with her that I had to have a special meeting with the boss. And given my history with bosses and how they react to my depression, I was pretty worried I was going to lose my job. Fortunately, my boss at this job is far more understanding of human nuance. She basically told me that she gets depression because she has it too. She said she would have preferred it if I had gone to her instead of to S. She also said that while she didn’t want to tell me who to trust certain other coworkers would have made better choices and then she told me which ones.

I made nice with the coworker so that we can work together but she won’t ever get my friendship back. Unfortunately, that is one of my faults. Given the life I’ve had, I’ve learned that in order to protect myself, I can’t forgive too easily.

Other than the work drama, work has been going really well. I’ve learned so much. The employee tasked with training me has the best training style. He just asks, “have you done this?” And usually I’m like, “no.” Then he gets me the paperwork and says, “now you’re going to.” And he lets me do it on my own, then we go over it together afterward. Apparently I’m a rockstar at clinicals because one of the RNs on shift complimented me on doing a good job the day after I learned (rather taught myself) how to do them.

Relationships

I’ve been kind of seeing someone. We were dating for a little while but we called things off because I let the chemistry fizzle. But, the heat was still there, so I’ve let him stick around. I don’t really know what is happening with that. He is a really, really nice guy. He is attractive. I like him. He is young though (not really, just a few years younger than me).

Therapy

Of all the therapies, currently, my favorite is Talkspace. If you don’t know what that is, it is a therapy app. My Talkspace therapist is just the greatest. She is about my age, so there isn’t any transference. I do sort of wonder if we could have been friends, had we met some other way, but I don’t indulge those thoughts too often. I like the relationship being what it is, I gain a lot from it as a therapist/client relationship.

I was feeling intensely suicidal a few weeks ago (around the 15th, I remember because that’s when I moved) and K was leaving for holiday. So, my Talkspace therapist could have just held firm to her check-in days and left me alone with the two giant bottles of pills and my suicidal thoughts, but she didn’t. She had me check in with her on her off days for two weeks to get me through the darkness. I was so thankful not to have to get through the worst of the darkness alone. I feel like this was an amazing example of how boundary crossing can be used to therapeutically heal. I had been so used to people running the other direction or just leaving me to deal with the darkness alone that I expected her to do exactly the same thing. I expected everyone to do the same. But she didn’t and it really struck me that maybe if I was wrong about her I have been wrong about that generalization all together. A truly healing experience.

Things with K, however, have been a little rocky. K is still great. But, things feel different. She is moving offices, she finally has her own private practice which is kind of a big deal. I’m really happy for her. But, I think maybe she is stressed with the transition. She just feels different to me lately and it feels like it is getting in the way of the relationship. So, when I see her again on the 10th, I hope to talk to her about the relationship… to see if we can get back on track.

Group therapy has been interesting. I’ve been seeing my group therapist while K has been out for the holidays. These two have completely different styles but I kind of like it a lot. My group therapist is very structured. But at the same time, she is really silly. Something about her still rubs me the wrong way but I’ve been pushing through that, trying to appreciate the things I really like about her and about our work together. I think pushing through has been fruitful. There is a lot to like about working with her. She has helped me open up and figure out how to get in touch with my inner silly and to better articulate in therapy.

My move

So, one last piece of big news: I moved to the city! I’m living in this adorable little fourplex that was built in the 1920s. See:

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And, it has the original hardwood floors. Old appliances. The original glass look knobs. Solid wood doors. It is beautiful. And I love so much driving into the city at night after work. It is all lit up and the lights change every night, so it never gets old. I’m really excited about this new part of my journey. See photos below:

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3 Thoughts

  1. I feel like a lot of us have been in and out of WP lately; just the way life can be unfortunately. It sounds like, despite some down periods, there is a lot that you have to be proud of right now between school, work, and just general life. I’m sorry that a co-worker took your personal confidence and turned it into what must have felt like a nightmare, but I’m so glad your boss stepped up and heard your feelings in a productive way instead of penalizing you or making you feel worse.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, life definitely can definitely be hectic sometimes. And priorities can shift. It is okay about the coworker. It was a lesson. I’ve learned from it and I think the experience with my boss was kind of healing as well.

      Liked by 1 person

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