I haven’t been sharing much about my therapy journey anymore because, well, it has mostly been about putting out the fires in my present life. But, today I got to process some past stuff with EMDR. I’ve been in therapy for several months now and we have used EMDR to process some present traumas but never past. So, this was sort of monumental to me. And, as such, I want to share with all of you lovely people.
I hear that EMDR can be exhausting, so I was a little worried given that I slept for crap last night. But, I’m happy to report that I’m not feeling the exhaustion yet. Mostly, I’m proud of myself for being able to go there.
We focused on the Easter incident of my early years. I think I’ve written about that elsewhere. I was 5 or 6. An older family member convinced me to play doctor under the bed. It became an ongoing thing, just in different contexts. We worked today just on that first incident and the idea that I’m broken because of it. K started the buzzies and guided me into the memory, “one foot in the room, one foot in the memory.” I was transported immediately. She asked me to just be there and notice what comes up. It was anger. I was angry that happened. She had me sit with the anger and notice. I felt powerless. The tears started to flow. She had me focus on the powerlessness. I felt guilt for not knowing it was wrong. It hurt. I should have known. K reminded me I was young, innocent. I couldn’t have known. She had me sit with the guilt and notice. I felt alone; I wanted comfort. No one comforted me. I was blamed. She had me sit with wanting to be comforted. I felt like crying when I was little but I didn’t. K asked me if I wanted to cry for my younger self. I nodded. She turned on the buzzies and let me cry for minutes. She asked if anything came up. I felt abandoned. I remembered being excited about the day being for Jesus. Part of me questioned why Jesus didn’t protect me. I didn’t want that to happen. We talked about how we can’t to back and change things but we can process the hurt in the present. She reassessed my level of disturbance. It went down a bit. We stopped there.
We ended with a containment activity. K asked me to visualize all the painful emotions and memories as colors, to just peel away the colors and lay them out in front of me. Once they were all out, I pictured a treasure chest. I balled the colors up tight and placed them in the chest. I locked it up and left it in the room.
K is out next week, so I have quite a while to sit with and process today’s session. I experienced some big emotions. But, surprisingly, I feel okay. I don’t feel so scared of this process anymore. I feel ready to heal.